Lochte Stripped Before Your Eyes!

DATELINE: Man Without a Commercial Fig

 duh

Next time you see Ryan Lochte, he will be stripped without a stitch.

It appears that Speedo swimsuit company has decided to cancel their deal with Lochte. This amounts to Ryan having his drawers dropped unceremoniously, leaving him with only a few gold medals to hang the low over the bare spot.

Ryan Lochte could always resort to the classic new swimsuit, which is of course a fig leaf. This means his commercial endorsements are blowing in the wind.

Even worse Ryan’s pants have been taken away and his shirt, too. Yes it’s true; Lochte’s deal with Ralph Lauren has come to an end. They have taken his image off their website, leaving him in the lurch, in the pool without beach balls. It would seem he has now lost his swim trunks and all of his other clothes.

This leaves Lochte alone with his endorsement from a Japanese mattress company. However, not a day later, the mattress was found to be lumpy with rocks–and Ryan was stoned out of bed.

So, Ryan will not be able to lie down on the job. We aren’t sure whether it’s memory foam or the real thing with his last standing endorsement. The Japanese company is no longer in bed with him, fabrications notwithstanding. Now even his hair coloring company has washed that boy right out of its hair.

Let’s face it. A mattress company is still the best deal when you’re falling down drunk. Now, it looks like Ryan will be sleeping on a park bench with his black roots showing  out of his coiffure.

Don’t be alarmed, Ryan. We understand Dos Equis, beer company, does have an opening for a man who is interesting and tells whoppers since their old man spokesperson left on a one-way trip to Mars.

Stay thirsty, Lochte.

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