DATELINE: The Hairy Ape?
If you ever wondered what the Monster from 20,000 Plugs Under the Scalp looks like, you had only to check out Tom Brady at his press conference today.
The fault line belongs in the hairdresser’s firmament.
We are tempted to think Bob Dylan had this in mind when he wrote the immortal words “it balanced on her head like a mattress on a bottle of wine.” Tom’s hair has become the object of scorn, ridicule, and intense jealousy.
If you ever wondered what millions of dollars can do for your hair, just ask Tom where he gets his plugs, transplants, and follicles.
Tom’s pompadour head resembles Dennis the Menace without the cowlick. Tom now has more hair per square inch then either King Kong or Aaron Hernandez.
If ever the king needed to cry enough enough, Tom has reached that point. You can have too much hair.
Above his brow and above his chiseled features, looking like he had a little touch up at the Paris clinic on his cheekbones, Tom’s natural coiffure has now reached the stage where it looks like an outrageous wig.
However, anyone who has reached the age of 40 and looks like he is a spry 25 must be respected and commended. There may be more controversy about Tom Brady’s hair than about Colin Kaepernick’s political stand on flagpole sitting.
If Tom does not have a haircut during his four week suspension, he may return to the NFL looking like Rapunzel.
Be sure to read TOM BRADY: SWINGING ON A DEFLATEGATE! AVAILABLE ON AMAZON IN PAPER AND FOR SMART READERS EVERYWHERE!