Tom Brady’s Locks Mess Monster

DATELINE: The Hairy Ape?

TomTom's HairDooDoo

If you ever wondered what the Monster from 20,000 Plugs Under the Scalp looks like, you had only to check out Tom Brady at his press conference today.

The fault line belongs in the hairdresser’s firmament.

We are tempted to think Bob Dylan had this in mind when he wrote the immortal words “it balanced on her head like a mattress on a bottle of wine.”  Tom’s hair has become the object of scorn, ridicule, and intense jealousy.

If you ever wondered what millions of dollars can do for your hair, just ask Tom where he gets his plugs, transplants, and follicles.

Tom’s pompadour head resembles Dennis the Menace without the cowlick. Tom now has more hair per square inch then either King Kong or Aaron Hernandez.
If ever the king needed to cry enough enough, Tom has reached that point. You can have too much hair.

Above his brow and above his chiseled features, looking like he had a little touch up at the Paris clinic on his cheekbones, Tom’s natural coiffure has now reached the stage where it looks like an outrageous wig.

However, anyone who has reached the age of 40 and looks like he is a spry 25 must be respected and commended. There may be more controversy about Tom Brady’s hair than about Colin Kaepernick’s political stand on flagpole sitting.

If Tom does not have a haircut during his four week suspension, he may return to the NFL looking like Rapunzel.

 Be sure to read TOM BRADY: SWINGING ON A DEFLATEGATE! AVAILABLE ON AMAZON IN PAPER AND FOR SMART READERS EVERYWHERE!

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Marcus Smart’s New Hairline Fracture

 DATELINE:  Parting the C’s New Hairdo

Smarting from Wince

 

The bad news is there is not much Boston Celtic star Marcus Smart can do to improve his looks.

The good news is that there is not much he can do that would make himself look any worse.

His new antediluvian hairstyle revealed this week has managed to knock Colin Kaepernick off his flagpole sitting stunt.

If there was an angel sitting on Smart’s shoulder during the visit to the hairdresser, his wings were clipped as well.

Icarus fell from the sky after this hairstyle took off.

Marcus should go to the head of the supermarket check out line, knocking Peyton Manning’s ugly bathrobe off the coupon list.

Smart’s new look makes Ryan Lochte look like a dishwater blonde.

This sugar bowl haircut seems to evince curds and whey. Something has curdled way beyond the expected.

If you stick a feather in this haircut, you can call it macaroni.

We believe this is the first bona fide example of b-ball hairball the cat dragged in.

If he is lucky, young Marcus will soon be at the Hair Club for Men.

Smart’s smartphone uses his head as a Bluetooth receptor.

Director Cecil B. DeMille could have used this headshot as the climactic moment when Moses parted the Red Sea. This C-section parallel has more parts than a movie with a cast of thousands.

The winner of HORSE wears this haircut. We cannot imagine what the loser looks like, perhaps a horse’s rear.

This was the look the Bride of Frankenstein worked so hard to achieve.

We can only say in Smart’s defense that Lady Gaga is jealous, but we hope there is a pot of gold for the Celtic leprechaun at the end of this rainbow ‘do.

Blow by Blow Blow Out

DATELINE: Pre-Terrorist Terror

blow out

Brian DePalma’s classic movie of 1981 looks like it’s been ripped from the headlines of 2016.

Blow Out features political assassinations, serial killers, and movie references, including many to the master Hitchcock.

However, today’s audiences maybe puzzled at how De Palma was able to use the movie’s climactic scene. In it, John Travolta as the protagonist drives his car down the middle of the street during Philadelphia’s Liberty Day parade. He knocks over policeman, parade marchers, a marching band, and pedestrians. In today’s terrorist-conscious world, he would’ve been cuffed and shot by the police, but not necessarily in that order.
The film cleverly uses the notion of an undervalued movie sound effects man of sexploitation movies. Out one night making sound recordings, he happens upon a combination JFK assassination of a presidential hopeful and a Chappaquiddick car crash.

The characters in this little screenplay seem incredibly obtuse. However, Nancy Allen as the call girl with a heart of gold is something to behold.

Not a great actress, she managed to appear and her husband De Palma’s movies as well as some of the greatest box office hits of the 70s and 80s, including the Terminator movies (or was that her blonde body double Linda Hamilton?) and the RoboCop movies.

Yet, Miss Allen never received the respect or accolades due her. And John Travolta during those years was thought of as of Saturday night fevered comic actor.

The movie also features John Lithgow as the combination serial killer/slash/political assassin. He is suitably creepy.

If you can overlook the incredibly stupid motivation of the characters, you have an extremely clever Hitchcock like thriller. Just keep telling yourself, “it’s only a movie.”

Tim Tebow: the New Marathon Man

DATELINE: Old Sports Never Die

 

Approximately 30 major league baseball executives have been extended an invitation to watch Tim Tebow try to play baseball. He has decided to try a new sport since football has let him go adrift.

In the distant past, Michael Jordan left his sport of basketball to try his hand at the grand old game. Danny Ainge of the Celtics spent several miserable use playing for a Canadian baseball team in the MLB.

The lesson has been lost on Tim Tebow. We aren’t sure if all of those baseball executives are showing up to see the tattooed in bearded lady at the circus, or a struggling wannabe second baseman. Perhaps they are showing up because they been promised shrimp cocktails and pink champagne.

Surely they don’t think Tim Tebow will actually become a major-league ballplayer in baseball on the rough diamond.

We recommend that Tim try swimming in an Olympic pool.

The Olympic team is going to need a new star with the demise of liars’ club emeritus star Ryan Lochte.

As we recall Kris Humphries better known as the Hump started his career as a swimmer. He actually beat Michael Phelps in several meets as youth. Humphreys came to choose a more challenging sport. Of course, most swimmers are rather tall making for fewer laps and faster swim times.

Tebow has always been a little on the short side, whether it’s football baseball or swimming.
It’s clear Tebow is choosing a less strenuous sporting opportunity to be a Renaissance Man.

As for Tebow, we suspect the good will be interred with his bones.

Ryan Lochte Dances Up a Storm

DATELINE: Highway Robbery

duh

With word that Ryan Lochte may join Dancing with the Stars TV show, we have our tutus ready. The Brazilian police in Rio want Ryan to dance to a different drummer—and want him back in Rio.

There is no better way to wash that scandal right out of your hair than to appear on that feel good TV show that every oldster in America appreciates. So, we doubt he will return to the scene of the alleged crime.

We have no idea if Ryan Lochte can do the double step, the Texas two-step or the proverbial two-face but those dance moves can be learned. Dance time in a Brazilian prison for a year may be like a bad line dance.

Dancing with the Stars always likes to take a bold, controversial athlete and put him through his paces. He usually fits in right next to the aging movie star and the son or daughter of a secondary forgotten celebrity.

In that way Lochte is the perfect candidate to be voted out on the first week. We all know that the voting has nothing to do with talent or a ability to do the soft shoe. It has to do with popularity. It’s like running for king of the prom or president of the United States.

With a plethora of third rate crooked and otherwise dubious athletes available for a selection other than Lochte, we find the choice of Ryan to be rather a bad tango with infamy.

We understand that Aaron Hernandez has time on his hands to choreograph a dance routine.

Rock, Paper, Scissors, and Tom Brady

 DATELINE: A SILLY GAME BEATS A SILLY GAME

lumpy

In case you hadn’t heard, Tom Brady was kept out of last Thursday’s exhibition game because he he had a “silly accident” with a pair of scissors, to use his own words.
It’s hard to believe that two hours before the game Tom Brady was playing “Scissors, Rock, and Paper,” with teammates. However, it now appears Brady was paper thin with his tale.

Certainly in the commissioner’s office they’ve thought Brady a paper tiger for quite some time. The rock of the team has to be Gronk without a doubt. And as for the scissors, we can find no sharp edges on anyone on this team except perhaps Julian Edelman.

We didn’t see Tom kept out of the game because he had a few paper cuts. And they certainly didn’t keep Gronk out of the game because he had rocks in his head. However, you may have noticed that all three did not play.
Far be it it for us to suggest a conspiracy theory.

Our logic has been grounded like the rocks to the soil or like the paper to the paper mill, or even like scissors from the roster cuts.

If Tom Brady was kept out of the game because of a frivolous game, then the biggest rock to hit those scissors would be Belichick.

 

It is our firm belief that a silly game hit the scissors that hit the thumb of Tom Brady. Yes, you got it. We have now discovered Tom’s thumb is the Patriots’ Achilles’ heel.

Lochte Stripped Before Your Eyes!

DATELINE: Man Without a Commercial Fig

 duh

Next time you see Ryan Lochte, he will be stripped without a stitch.

It appears that Speedo swimsuit company has decided to cancel their deal with Lochte. This amounts to Ryan having his drawers dropped unceremoniously, leaving him with only a few gold medals to hang the low over the bare spot.

Ryan Lochte could always resort to the classic new swimsuit, which is of course a fig leaf. This means his commercial endorsements are blowing in the wind.

Even worse Ryan’s pants have been taken away and his shirt, too. Yes it’s true; Lochte’s deal with Ralph Lauren has come to an end. They have taken his image off their website, leaving him in the lurch, in the pool without beach balls. It would seem he has now lost his swim trunks and all of his other clothes.

This leaves Lochte alone with his endorsement from a Japanese mattress company. However, not a day later, the mattress was found to be lumpy with rocks–and Ryan was stoned out of bed.

So, Ryan will not be able to lie down on the job. We aren’t sure whether it’s memory foam or the real thing with his last standing endorsement. The Japanese company is no longer in bed with him, fabrications notwithstanding. Now even his hair coloring company has washed that boy right out of its hair.

Let’s face it. A mattress company is still the best deal when you’re falling down drunk. Now, it looks like Ryan will be sleeping on a park bench with his black roots showing  out of his coiffure.

Don’t be alarmed, Ryan. We understand Dos Equis, beer company, does have an opening for a man who is interesting and tells whoppers since their old man spokesperson left on a one-way trip to Mars.

Stay thirsty, Lochte.

Names to Call Ryan Lochte

DATELINE:  Wonder of Water World

 duhDuh!

We just read the blog by an angry black woman. In it she tries to pinpoint the problem of Ryan Lochte. What she failed to recognize is that he’s a pretty pinhead.

This privileged blogger claimed Lochte was a privileged white male. She built a case that he also had a God complex.

In her estimation, this was a pretty bad crime.
What she failed to notice is that Lochte has a head full of chuckle. He is a deadhead partygoer. He is a boy of privilege for sure. We used to call it being a spoiled rich kid.

What else can you call someone whose whole life has been dedicated to a sport with some inane purpose?

Lochte is most guilty of being a drunken idiot. Alas, abusing alcohol is no longer a moral issue. It means he is suffering from an addiction. And we cannot call him an idiot because we are discriminating against people with brains that are  lame.

Lochte has a life in which his perfect body provides a passport to pleasure. He’s tall and lithe,  lean and lovely. The perfect boy for Ipanema. How can we be disappointed when his beautiful body without blemish is on display for the world to pant upon? In fact, without pants, he remains defiant.

He lives in a world of constant chlorine. He is a walking, bleached whitewash. He is clean as a houndstooth. At least on the outside. Inside his head has been sloshed clean by endless laps.

When the world has the hots for you or at least your body, you will find you are a child of privilege or sex icon.

But let’s not lose sight of the fact that Ryan Lochte is an imbecile. Gods like Lochte are not complex. What a simpleton.

 

 

ALF RETURNS TO PRIME TIME ON MR. ROBOT

DATELINE: Entering the Twilight Zone

 ALF

We do tune into this dark, strange show called Mr. Robot where Christian Slater is the dead spirit of an abusive father to a young computer nerd who is a drug addict. This is not your usual TV fare.

We have unfavorably compared it to the other AI show where the computers are supervillains, Person of Interest. However, there is a flourish on Mr. Robot that defies categorization and compels us to watch its cult development.

To our surprise and shock, the show opened up with familiar music and credits: it turned into a sit-com from the 1980s with the cast now playing your typical comical family.

Elliot, the insane and drug addicted hero of Mr. Robot, is now playing the son in a typical family. The colors and videotape perfectly mimicked the 1980s laugh track shows.

Indeed, Elliot—the bug-eyed druggie hero of the show—is totally overwhelmed by the sound of canned laughter at the unfunny lines.

The music had me puzzled until the guest star showed up for the show:  yes, it was ALF. Call us flummoxed. Paul Fusco’s little alien creature had returned to prime time.

On one of the most diabolical, tragic, mysterious shows of the era, pint-sized space alien ALF was guest star. Jaw dropping might be one characterization.

When star Remi Malik wakes up from a coma in a hospital bed about 40 minutes into the show, it comes back to its traditional shocker drama; the TV in his hospital room is showing a clip of ALF from the original show.

Though we are a begrudging viewer to Mr. Robot, finding its esoterica far beyond necessary, we are devoted to ALF.

What a weird and startlingly original show.

American Swimmers Kidnapped by Space Aliens

DATELINE: Strip Searched by Aliens

 Biebs buns

Brazilian authorities now report that four American Olympic swimmers have missing time among their possessions taken by strange beings dressed as police officers in Rio.

Ryan Lochte managed to catch a flight aboard a spaceship and has already landed in the United States. His fellow swimmers have gone downstream, and up the river.

Police and courts have now robbed several American swimmers of their passports and they are unable to return to Roswell, the scene of the crime.

Jack Conger and Gunnar Bentz were pulled off a flight out of Rio for discrepancies in the report filed with MUFON, an active part of the Rio police. Most Brazilians admit that Brazil is the place where the nuts are.

One of the relatives of the victims, Charley’s Aunt, was once caught in drag without a passport.

The swimmers were in bathing suits at a strange party outside the Olympic Village when they were embarrassed to be found in their birthday suits. They said everything was taken except for their cell phones. They had no pockets and held onto those.

Ryan Lochte instantly disappeared out of Rio as did his teammate Michael Phelps who did not attend the same party, but instead did not become roaring drunk and attend the alternative lifestyle extravaganza.

Rio is known for its nightlife and has outdone the phrase “what happens in Rio stays in Rio.”

Rio Rita and Chiquita Banana were not with the men when they returned from their ordeal at the crack of dawn. Back in the United States, out of harm’s way, Ryan Lochte said UFO reports are subject to “mischaracterization” when alcohol is involved.

Space aliens have been reportedly visiting Brazil looking for gold at the Olympics.

 

 

Weekend in Hub of the Universe

DATELINE:  Where Humor Comes on Its Own

while tom sleeps

This was the weekend to be in Boston. A comic book festival brought William Shatner to town.

For those old enough to remember, he was the original Captain Kirk. For others, he was the star of your grandparents’ favorite TV show.

Robust at 85, Shatner went to Fenway Park to throw out the first ball over the weekend. He looked a little paunchy up on the mound, and without a warm-up, his pitch went flying into the dirt before home-plate.

Most honored guests would run off the mound in darkest, humiliating shame. Not Shatner. A man accustomed to re-takes, he demanded a second pitch. This time he reached the plate with us strike to the approving roar of the crowd.

Around the same time former Red Sox superstar Jonathan Papelbon found himself released from the Washington Nationals. And he proposed that he would be very happy to return to one of his most glorious locales, with the The Red Sox.

Though he pitches about as well as Shatner nowadays, he is not 85; he is the former Cinco Ocho. He could still help when the pennant with Big Papi as they did 10 years ago.

A little south of Fenway Park, the splendid Gronk was holding his own comic fest. He entertained a large crowd of fans doing standup comic stuff on a folding chair.

He demonstrated how to spike a football ball and imitated Tom Brady.

So, for humorists being in Boston unnecessary. In the hub of the universe we have everything from Captain Kirk to spacemen relief pitchers to compleat Gronk.

Oldsters Clinton & Trump Need Not Apply

 DATELINE:  Looking for the Youth Candidate

what a ticket

 

Having reached an age when we should know better, we are about to jump in with both feet to make an outrageous and outlandish statement.

Whatever the drawbacks of the two major presidential candidates, Trump and Clinton are simply too old to do the job.

We speak from experience, having passed it long ago. Oh there are those who argue that oldsters can do anything. Well, in fact, that’s simply not true.

Old people tire out a lot more quickly than in their younger days. We’ve noticed that both Trump and Clinton seem to take a lot of days off and who could blame them for it.  Campaigning and meeting thousands of people every day is exhausting work.

However, the job of being president is even more exhausting.

So, we don’t want to sound like we are prejudiced against age or older people because we belong to the club ourselves.

We think Youth is a valuable commodity overall, and relatively important in our president. As for Clinton or Trump, if you’re in bed knocked out from the hard days work, heaven help the country.

So we expect to be lambasted by AARP and a bunch of other groups for not respecting old-age.

We love old-age; we think retirement is wonderful. In fact, we think both Clinton and trump should be retired.

So, spare us your indignation. It is wasted because our brain cells are not as sharp as they used to be and we might get crotchety, grumpy and unpleasant if some young whippersnapper tries to talk us out of our old opinions.

Bobblehead Hernandez at Your Service!

DATELINE: A Bone to Pick with Aaron?

 A1 steak

Aaron Hernandez was never very good at the hidden ball trick.

Our blog readers delight in any picture of Hernandez that we can share with them. Today’s efforts may serve as the model for Hernandez and his own Bobblehead icon. It’s a dilly.

We guarantee that today’s image is unretouched, or at least has only been touched around the edges.

We are not sure what exactly is meant to be bobbling, based on the accompanying photograph. There are so many possibilities. We don’t think Hernandez bobbled the ball in this picture, but one never knows how many balls are in the picture when the hidden ball trick is afoot, or a foot-long.

Bobbleheads would only obfuscate the thrill.

The latest debacle over the David Ortiz Bobblehead would hold nothing compared to the controversy over the Aaron Hernandez bobble.

Bubble bobble, toil and trouble. There’s a lot of room to bobble. We are practically bubbling over this picture. Hernandez can stoke the fires for sure.

When it comes to Hernandez, we think he should be holding an Uzzi in every photo, though he holds himself well in every part. We promise that this image has not been Photoshopped or chopped.

Always the problem with Hernandez is whether we have gotten hold of the right end– err,  tight end.

We don’t know how long he can stand erect with all these prosecutors coming at him. He seems to be excited by the chase and so we expect he will give us his all in the next trial.

For now we must be satisfied with the images that cause an earthquake in his wake.

 

Bubble, Bubble, Toil and Bobble, Heads Roll!

DATELINE: BAN THE BOBBLE!

Ortiz Papi Head

If you take one look at the Red Sox version of the David Ortiz bobblehead, you might be reminded of the days when the local neighborhood had a black jockey statue for the horses to be tethered to.

Big Papi deserves to be lauded, not lampooned. Spare us from the bubbleheaded idiocy that seems to epitomize sports today.

The notion that Big Papi will be honored with a bobblehead is as outrageous as depicting him as Aunt Jemima flipping pancakes. The actual bobblehead looks like something out of Al Jolson singing, “Mammy!”

The only thing missing from the Ortiz Bobblehead was having the unfortunate icon holding a watermelon. So, out of a preponderance of being horrified, the Red Sox canceled the distribution of the Papi bobble at the Yankee game.

The Red Sox nearly bobbled the season long testimonial to their retiring hero.

The biggest bubblehead of the bobblehead situation is the notion these things are meant to be flattering. If the process of bobbleheads is understood, they are satiric icons.

No one should be flattered to see his likeness bobbling like some out of control hip hop flopper.

These silly items were never meant to be kindly totems or to be used as standard-bearers for a career.

The idea of a bobbling head hints cruelly at a certain kind of mental deficiency. Better not to have a bobble head at all, than to bobble the Red Sox lionizing of its iconic Papi. The bobblehead was a bomb waiting for detonation.

A-Rod Catches Last Train to Palookaville

DATELINE: Into the Sunset

 

Long ago and far away in a distant world of California in 1962, Richard Nixon abruptly quit politics. He said you would no longer have Dick Nixon to kick around anymore.

This week history has repeated itself, as it usually does. In New York and in a far away and distant world, baseball Palooka Alexander Rodriguez better known as A-Rod, held a press conference and basically said you wouldn’t have his Rod to kick around anymore.

Those who know history know that Richard Nixon had quite a big come back before he had quite a big fall again. People like A-Rod who don’t know history are doomed to repeat it. In baseball, doom is rampant.

We suspect A-Rod will return sooner than a Nixon, but with the same result. A-Rod shall return.

We aren’t sure if A-Rod is more like Richard Nixon or Douglas MacArthur. Old home run hitters on the verge of hitting 700 homers are likely not to fade away when millions of dollars are at stake. They will keep coming back for another at bat. True enough, A-Rod is not as old as Nixon on MacArthur, but neither is he as young as Michael Phelps, the gold medal apologist for all his life’s sins.

Your mission, Mr. Phelps, we mean Mr. A-Rod, is nearly impossible. Should you fail to accomplish your goal, all fans of baseball will disavow any knowledge of you. Good luck, Mr. Phelps, and good luck, Mr. Rodriguez. May the golden days be with you.arod