DATELINE: HAPPY VALLEY NFL
Reports of Roger Goodell’s death are greatly exaggerated.
However, he has been brain dead for some time. Fans who checked his tomb found it empty. A member of his staff claimed, “He is risen,” in the noonday sun, raising questions on whether Goodell was a mad dog or an Englishman.
A hacker took over the NFL website this week and posted the notice about the health of the Commissioner. It actually noted that Roger was not A-OK by insisting he had passed on fourth down.
Goodell has been a well-known zombie for several years now, probably commencing after he was concussed during Bullygate and suffered a professional hit during Bountygate.
The Commissioner’s office considers these reports to be over- inflated accounts by hacks in the Fourth Estate.
Some wags have noted that the NFL password was 1-2-3-4-5. It coincides with the number of fingers on one hand of the Commissioner, though some speculate he does not have a prehensile thumb.
A newly commissioned Wells Report will no doubt recommend that everyone could guess the password, more or less.
Combined with the recent loss of every player’s medical records going back to 2004, we suspect that someone has over-inflated the importance of security at the NFL.
The good news is that Tom Brady’s cell phone was not hacked while in possession of the NFL brain-trust.
This may be the big break Goodell has been waiting for. He can now claim that his four-game suspension of Tom Brady was the result of someone hacking into his account. He had actually fined Brady $50 for the hot air leak.