DATELINE: Dinner Bell Diet Plan
Red Sox heavy hitter Pablo Sandoval has gone to the Disabled List. He may have gone to the dogs. He may have gone mad. In any respect, the Red Sox will not play him for at least two weeks.
They are hoping his Inflate-gut will subside. They deny he hurt his shoulder lifting a tub of lard.
The Red Sox master plan is for Pablo to look like owner King John Henry VIII by All-Star break by eating only string beans.
Dr. Jenny Craig has been called in to combat the bad treatment has has received from his present trainer, Sarah Lee, doctor of caloric intake whose PhD in Fat Cells has proven to be pie in the sky.
The Sox were going to put Sandoval on the Subway Diet Plan, but you may end up in federal prison for making salacious statements about young fans.
The Cabbage Soup Diet was considered, but the ten ugly pounds lost in the first week is usually recovered with a case of diet Pepsi and a bottle of Pepto.
The Tapeworm Diet entails eating a bunch of pond scum sandwiches, but it didn’t look too appetizing on the clubhouse snack bar menu.
The Chocolate Diet has already been tried to disastrous effects.
The Russian Air Force Diet left Pablo feeling a draft and cold war flashes. He also developed a desire to smoke Cuban cigars.
Pablo has already combined the Hot Dog Diet with the Cookie Diet. It did not work.
Since his shoulder is now hurting him from the whiplash of his broken belt buckle, the Sox have turned to the Comfort Food Diet to assuage his hurt ego, his sensitive taste buds, and his craving to leave Boston.