DATELINE: Boston’s Latest Sports Scandal
We have gone from Deflategate to Inflategut. Tom Brady never let the air out of the ball, and Pablo Sandoval never missed a meal.
Yep, Pablo Sandoval has violated the league rules by playing with overly inflated high-cal dinners, breakfasts, and snacks. He is trading in his third baseman glove for an oven mitt. Pablo grew up playing ball with the Pillsbury Doughboy—and has been on the loaf ever since.
The Natural Gas Law also applies to Inflategut.
The Sox are considering switching to elastic waistband pants to save on buying those extra-large bloomers for Pablo when we come to the All-Star breakfast.
If the Sox insist on stopping Sandoval from ordering in or taking out, he may have to ask Judge Berman to rule on the Sox gut check. We think this will cause the Judge to rule eating disorder in the court.
Fear not, fans. The Panda always brown bags it.
We fear that Inflate-gut will knock the wind out of the Panda Bear, not to mention Sox pennant hopes. We hate to be on the Fenway porch behind third base when Pablo goes for the gusto.
Ticket prices may start to slim down when Pablo’s waist size reaches epic proportions. The Sox will hire the first woman coach just for Pablo—Jenny Craig may have met her match, trading three strikes for three square meals.
For those of us who had enough of Deflategate and Tom Brady, we now are going to stretch our giblets to fill up those Spandex pantaloons.
This summer Pablo Sandoval pushes the Inflate-gut scale to levels only Vince Wilfork could love.