All-American Chandler Jones Insubstantial Trouble

DATELINE:  Unreal Marijuana?


Who, me?

Heavens! We are shocked to hear that our sweet, innocent Chandler Jones may be behaving badly. Who does he think he is? Charlie Sheen?

By now you heard the ugly stories about Patriots star Jones walking barefoot and shirtless to the local constabulary and telling them he was confused. And, the windchill was frosty.

Foxboro’s Finest know who pays their taxes in town. And, they refused to comment on the transport of Chandler to a local hospital on Sunday morning. It was not criminal, merely medical.

In his own words, “I made a pretty stupid mistake.”  Well, pretty is as pretty does.

Yes, he almost caught his death in the frigid temperatures by going outdoors half naked. We were sorry to miss the sight. We heard that Julian Edelman does not own a winter coat, but surely millionaire Jones owns some boots.

Police went to Chandler’s townhouse to lock it up. They found more than his keys on the kitchen table. Apparently something called synthetic marijuana was present too.

Jones had a bad reaction to the playoffs when he took the stuff that made Alice tiny. No word was spoken about whether Belichick received his black eye from trying to take a D-substance from C-Chandler.

Jones, a healthy lad, returned to practice without fail. He simply failed to smile for the cameras. The normally pleasant and media-friendly Chandler acted like a man with no friends. He shunned the inquiring minds of media mavens.

Fellow Patriots came to his defense, not knowing what exactly he did or why. It was now the new impetus that it is “us against them” in the Patriot locker room. No doubt, Bill Belichick never found a synthetic substance he couldn’t exploit when needed.