DATELINE: No Rust Stains on Tom Brady’s Under Armor
As if the playoffs were not the real skivvies for Tom Brady, an auction house has put its paws on Tom Brady’s unmentionables.
Yes, Tom’s undies are up for grabs.
These are not your usual dirty laundry items. The T-shirt and boxer shorts are the skimpy costume Brady wore in his movie debut in Ted 2, the asinine movie about a talking Teddy Bear. Though we would rather have a pair of tighty-whiteys Brady modeled on Saturday Night Live some years ago
Rest easy, Kink-meisters, these underwear items are not from the smell-o-vision version of the movie. Clean as a hound’s tooth, we suspect there is not a scintilla of scent from Tom to be sniffed out.
Tom has a contract with Under Armor, but the off-white and pastel garments, with their silky smoothness, are clearly lacking a brand.
Neither fruity of the loom, nor Calvinish, these utilitarian costumes are meant for dry dream-making.
No, these are not items that are going to benefit some humanitarian cause. The auction house, Goldin Auctions, is into profit, not charity.
The starting bid is expected to be modest, in the $2500 range, with a jump to $5000, depending on fan insanity. These pantaloons are not signed with felt pen.
Though this item might be ideal as a place to store your deflated balls, Tom’s game balls went up for bidding last season and took in a hefty price.
We are not talking Titanic crackers here, but Brady is a headliner of major proportions.
Since Tom is 6’4” tall, you can expect the size of the items will reflect a big man—though not as titanic as Aaron Hernandez whose shorts are nothing of the sort.
If we win the billion-dollar Power Ball game this weekend, we will power our way into Tom’s shorts on Monday when we will feel inflated enough to pay the piper.
We hold no brief when it comes to Tom’s sheer life.