The Great Hoodie Shoots All Lame Horses!

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DATELINE: Belichick’s Message!

For the third time in three years, the Patriots will find a new doctor to tend to the variety of wobbly knees, bent attitudes, and separated shoulders.

Of course, the present doctor praised the organization and his dream job with the Krafty business. You wouldn’t expect a respected professional to be dismissed by Belichick. Dr. Matt Provencher has been associated with Mass. General Hospital. We are not talking about a guesswork meteorologist that irked Bill Belichick.

So, the housecleaning at Patriot Place continues with anyone associated with the weaknesses of this year’s team find themselves pushing the revolving door, spinning out quicker and quicker.

You might theorize that rats leave a sinking ship, if you were a Denver Bronco, but you’d be wrong. Belichick is giving a heave-ho and a pushy push-push to anyone who seems askance.

Since these are the staff members who labor for the glory of being with the Patriots, you can imagine what the Great Hoodie has in store for those whose salary towers over their performances.

Bill likes a good return on his dollar—and he likely will find a bunch of unknowns and undrafted John Doe types. They will shine for a season or so under the Hoodie—before wanting big bucks.

As far as we can tell, there are few untouchables in the Belichick caste.

Brady and Gronk seem to be top of the list. Indeed, Patriots will find another Gronkowski brother in the draft, already having interviewed him, to keep Gronk happy. He had another brother on the team a few seasons ago.

As for that notorious O-line that has the same porous quality of the notorious O-ring for NASA thirty years ago, you can expect that Brady’s staunch defenders will be unrecognizable come this summer.

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Blake Griffin and His Testy Testi

DATELINE:  Testosterone and Testiness

If we are to believe Blake Griffin, you always hurt the one you love.

Blake cares for Matias Testi. They often go on vacations together and enjoy each other’s company, like to trade friendly insults, and sometimes they don’t know where the danger line is.

Apparently these bill and coo birds traded one insult too many. It led to an altercation, or as we say in literary circles, a pugilistic moment. In the world of make-believe heroic athletes, the moment is often a cat fight. When you become testy, good-natured ribbing becomes a big testicle contest.

Doc Rivers, a beleaguered coach if we ever saw one, has noted that reality creeps into the fantasy world of athletes now and then. He knows of what he speaks. He worked with Rajon Rondo for years.

Blake has issued an apology/statement. We are never sure what category into which to put these mea culpa tweets. Domestic altercations would be one category—as everyone insists that this is a family matter.

Suspension will follow eventually for Griffin, but justice in the NBA is never swift and, therefore, justice delayed is not just.

We suspect that Blake’s close buddy, Testi, may lose his job over this, but Blake can always pay palimony to soften the blow. It probably isn’t the first time that Testi became testy and threw a hissy fit.

Alas, now he knows that his big boy Blake will throw a haymaker.

A broken digit curses Griffin and a puffy face tests Testi. Next time they will keep their banter within the confines of a road trip hotel room.

 

 

 

Patriots Thumb Collective Nose at NFL Pro-Bowl

DATELINE: Read All About It!


No one wants to admit there is a giant conspiracy centering around the New England Patriots.

We don’t have to go into bugging the locker room or deflating the football to find it.

This week seven members of the team, given an honorary opportunity by the NFL, have chosen not to play in the NFL Pro-Bowl. They have kissed off  a large stipend and a free trip to Hawaii. This was turned down flat by every single Patriot player because they have integrity.

Do you think there is sour grapes here?

Do you think the teammates of Tom Brady are joining him in thumbing their noses at Roger Goodell and his goodwill, marketing games?

Players usually beg off for injury, but the entire Patriot squad has decided that Hawaiian beaches are not a panacea for what ails you.

We can’t blame the players (or Coach Belichick) for deciding that corrupt referees and a vindictive commissioner will not receive their hypocritical support.

And, that dear fans, is why no Patriots will show up at a sham game to be played the week before the Super Bowl.

Don’t be fooled by injury status, or exhaustion from a long season, or a desire to be with family as the motive here.

This is a clear cut case of sticking it in the eye of the beholder, Mr. Goodell. You are the reason the Patriots feel no desire to give you a free pass.

Wait till next season.

Green Pastures for Idiot Humor in L.A.

DATELINE:  Brickyard Griffin

Blake Griffin won’t be dunking over assistant equipment personnel during the NBA All-Star game.

Griffin is one of the biggest men in the game, physically. Now we learn he is one of the smallest men in the league when it comes to emotional maturity.

Griffin apologized for hitting a friend at a restaurant. In a snit of anger, the two traded insults, but because of brain mass being out of whack with his emotional and physical abilities, Griffin went ballistic and struck a smaller man repeatedly.

The result was like punching a brick wall. Brick Griffin broke his hand. This likely means he will out of action for the rest of the regular season, and the post-season (once a lock) may be less likely.

Doc Rivers, affable, down-to-earth, and fairly open for a coach, actually admitted his young players have to learn hard lessons about life because they are dunces. Rivers used to coach Rajon Rondo and knows of what he speaks.

One presumes there is a no-fault law in effect with the Clippers. Griffin will be fined for clipping, and the assistant staff member will be fired.

Griffin tried to undercut a potential lawsuit by calling the man whose lights were punched out (giving him a black eye) a close personal friend. Imagine if they didn’t like each other! Of course, this newly found friendship is a strategy to prevent a million-dollar lawsuit. Griffin will probably counter-sue, insisting the Clippers knowing hired a staff member whose head was made of cement.

Being based in Boston, we occasionally think there is no humor left in Boston sports, and we look across the nation and realize the grass is always greener in Los Angeles.

Ultimate Bag Job on Tom Brady

DATELINE: Take Tea and See! Teabags by the Teaspoon!

 

We had to put an addendum to this nightmare ending of the Patriot season.

In the days after the ignominious defeat in which the offensive line of the Patriots offended every value of their profession, we heard that the Denver Broncos were more than a little kinky in their play.

According to one Bronco who repeatedly sacked Mr. Brady, he wanted to rub his “nuts” in Brady’s freshly Botoxed face. The impurity of it all! This was the ultimate Boston Tea Party for a Patriot.

We thought this sort of teabag strategy was foremost in the minds of those who play games in gay dance bars.

Heaven forefend, we now realize that the Denver Broncos have an A-list of big boy teabaggers.

Whatever their sado-masochistic streak, we have not heard of such shenanigans short of porno movies. And that’s the long of it.

Of course, the Patriots offensive line had nary a mark on their bodies after the game. The same could not be said for Tom Brady whose sacred body was defamed, defaced, and de-bagged.

As a result, the Patriots fired their offensive line coach.

He apparently was a Lipton man. Brady never touches coffee, and now will likely swear off tea, too.

And now available…

New England Patriot fans will soon be able to re-live the season when the psi People tried to take over their Nation. Not the happy ending you wanted, but a sharp and unflinching look at the forces against the Patriots! An ebook today, soon in softcover to join the other four volumes of Patriot coverage from 2011, 2012, 2013, and 2014!

 

 

Brady at the Bat

DATELINE: DERAILED IN DENVER

Yikes, history repeated itself this weekend.

There was no joy in Mudville, nor in Foxboro.

The Mighty Brady has struck out.

Fans were thrown a curve ball, and the pitcher was an aging knuckleballer named Manning.

The bases were loaded in the bottom of the ninth, and Brady had many times in the past knocked the ball out of the park. But, on this pleasant day with ordinary meteorological conditions in the Mile High City, he was caught looking.

Back in the day the Mighty Brady would have pulled off a last second victory, but the sneer is gone from Brady’s lip, his teeth are clenched in hate at Goodell; he pounds his fists on the deflated ball, and now he lets it go.

The vengeance was shattered in Denver’s light air, and in the fans’ hearts.

Somewhere in the favored land of Foxboro, the sun will shine again; the Minutemen with their muskets will fire upon a Gronk spike; and sometime in the future, Pats’ fans will laugh, and children will shout, but for this season, the Mighty Brady has struck out.

Bad Day at Black Hole, Denver

 

If you expected mercy from Goodell’s referees, you would be deluded. The Patriots had many drives stopped by penalties we have not seen all season. Dumb penalities.

We think the magnetic powers of the universe have been undermined by the approach of a dangerous brown star, returning after 3600 years to send the Patriots into a black hole.

Of course, we weren’t sure if the Pod People had taken over. Brady looked tentative, unlike anything this season. His interceptions and poor judgment were totally different from anything in months of watching his play.

If Tom wants to say how he should have played better, we will not argue.

After one quarter we began to wonder if the fix was in. Were the Patriots throwing the game? Stephen Gostkowsky’s missed point after, the first in years, struck us as weirdly unnatural.

If this meant the better team would win, we didn’t see it that way.

The better team lost with panache. And the other team didn’t look all that much better.

Belichick’s etch-a-sketch went out during the first half, and Brady was bloodied by the Denver assaults. If anything could go wrong for New England, it went wrong in the first half.

The second half featured a stronger defense by New England, but Brady continued to make inexplicable and unusual decisions. Since we have not seen him confused or rattled all season, this was curiouser and curiouser. Brady’s mind palace seemed to be crumbling.

The Patriots have not been so dominated all game by any team in this season. Nothing worked, and they wasted time on long shots and bad throws.

If they had played like this in September, we might have bailed on them. Call us fickle.

We are used to a higher level of play. This had nothing to do with an aging quarterback, or porous offensive line. It seemed like a little birdie told the Patriots this was not their year.

The game came down to a two-point conversion for a tie—with seconds left. It was not the right script.

And, the Patriots acquiesced to the Big Joker in the Commissioner’s Office. A sad end to an interesting season meant we have run out of puns, bad jokes, biting irony, and the Pod People have won.

One wag told us that the discovery of a brown dwarf with its magnetic force approaching Earth has set bizarre natural disasters in motion. We just watched an early example. The Pod People have already landed.

Shark Week for Patriots in Denver

 

DATELINE: To Chum Roger Goodell

In America and in the NFL, the rich get richer and the poor get poorer.

How else can you explain the multi-millionaire quarterbacks who have come to the forefront again? Brady and Manning seem to have the magic in abundance. They win commercial endorsements and are household names. You can palm a fig Newton, but no one will care much.

Oh, those are new QBs showing up this year: Cam Newton and Carson Palmer. These newbies are not graced yet with vast riches from their playing or TV antics. Newton may have a yogurt’s chance, or he may be another one-hit wonder.

As it is, we can safely say either Peyton or Tom will win the Super Bowl. They are rich indeed.

For Palmer, there may not be another shot, and for Newton there could be a dozen more chances. He has yet to prove himself in the longevity sweepstakes. More significant is that the teams in themselves are devoid of biggest game experience.

The Super Bowl is old hat to Brady. The others are in danger of not knowing what will really happen. If everyone thinks this is just another game, they haven’t watched Super Bowl week. It is on the level of Shark Week in mid-summer.

You know someone will lose an arm or leg. You know someone will go home from #50 with a loser’s demeanor stuck on them all next year.

Just ask the Seahawks and their coach, the former New England HC.

If this were Shark Week, we’d certainly watch to see if Roger Goodell became chummy chum chum for the Great Whites.

If we put the playoffs into the food chain of Shark Week, we may well note that little Cardinal birds are merely an appetizer for Panthers, and Patriots always break a bucking Bronk.

After all that, we presume Cam will need a bigger boat.

What’s the Matter with the NFL Today?

DATELINE:  Hate the Pats?

With 24 hours to go before the AFC sends its nominee to the Super Bowl L convention, we have a group of extremists at the National Review charging that the New England Patriots are “bonkers,” “cheaters,” “fake champions,” and other sundry accusations.

These elite NFL fans think of themselves as purists who disdain a shrewd coach who seldom makes mistakes. They prefer dumb-ass coaches who are fired within three years before taking their act to another team. They want bad coaches to continue to be the backbone of NFL games.

These football purists disdain having one coach with one team for two decades—and they despise the notion of a quarterback staying with one team and one set of fans for an entire career.

The New Puritans of Football want a moveable feast for every Super Bowl. It should be a traveling circus, looking for sunbelt stadiums and fair weather fans.

The Patriots have exposed the folly of NFL referees and the burlesque of opposing players with an inability to concentrate on the play at hand. What? Off-side again?

If you see a parallel to the crypto-Nazi attacks on Donald Trump as not being a real conservative, you may well understand those who see Tom Brady as the football equivalent of Trump.

You guessed it: Brady wants to make Patriot Nation great, while Cam Newton represents the nouveau Johnny (Manziel)-come-lately types.

Belichick has undercut the Goodell dream of annual winners of the Super Bowl rising out of a different region and division of the NFL each year. Parity actually means you can play FanDuel and continue to guess a winner.

 

 

Pats Airing It Out in Denver

DATELINE:  High Winds

 

As we live and breathe, the air in Denver has its own pressure. In some circles, it is expected that Peyton Manning has been sleeping in a hyperbaric chamber in the mode of Michael Jackson.

It rejuvenates and instills deflated quarterbacks into their former selves.

We recall the days when players proudly sat on the visitors’ bench in Denver and sucked air out of a tank.

Nowadays, any mention of oxygen and air pressure sends grown men into an air pocket of protection. Players do not want to be seen with a tank unless it is a Patton model.

With game temperature expected to be above freezing, the air will not be one psi less than expected. And, Manning is expected to be thawed out enough to pass, but not pass out, during the first half.

Airwaves used to be a big deal in sports broadcasting, but we have been under heavy-duty cables for some time now.

Whatever hot air Bill Belichick disparages in his press conferences, as he did this week in regard to Bulletin Board Broncos, the Great Hoodie has a team playing on one lung if we are to believe his questionable list of players for the big game.

Yes, Belichick lists nearly an entire starting lineup as likely out: eleven players are dubious to play. These include Gronk, Amendola, Edelman, Collins, Ninkovich, Jones, Vollmer, Slater, McCourty, Chung, and Brady.

Yes, that is hot air for sure. You could blow us over with Tom Brady’s special implanted hot air hair dryer. We feel like HAL the computer has shut the air lock and left us in the vacuum of airless space.

Pucks Never Need to be Inflated by Tom Brady!

DATELINE:  Father Knows Best!

Word is now out that Tom Brady did not even bother to watch the Denver-Pittsburgh game to see what team would be his next opponent.

He went to his young son’s hockey game instead.

Two points immediately jumped out at Ossurworld that sent our globular head into a spin. First, Tom Brady’s son is not playing football, but in a sport where there are fewer concussions. Fewer, not none.

Second, we noted that Brady may love football, but he loves his children more.

How shocking this seems until you note that the man obsessed with the air pressure of footballs prefers to do other things than live and die football.

Does a brain surgeon perform lobotomies during his off-time? Hardly. Does a college professor read books to escape his daily routine? Hardly.

Does Tom Brady live and breathe football on every off moment? Hardly.

We know that Tom and Giselle went to the local movie emporium to view Will Smith’s Oscar-forgotten performance as the doctor hero of the anti-NFL film Concussion. Now we put the second element of the equation together and discover Tom’s son is playing on ice skates, not on a gridiron.

Of course, it is winter in New England where baseball is not on the minds of youth. And basketball has fallen into a black hole since the departure of Rajon Rondo.

How much can a father encourage his son not to follow in his footsteps? How many children of greats can never compete against a superstar father? The world is rife with failed children of genius parents.

We laud Brady for allowing, nay, encouraging his son to find his own vista.

Denver Broncos Caught up in Trashy Demeanor

DATELINE:  Denver Bronco Wordsmiths

That so-called weekly bulletin board material is actually a run off of inane and dumbbell comments made by the team who plans to play you on the field during the current week.

In the playoffs, with so few teams left in the mix, any bonehead tweets or posts online, or offhand comments made to a reporter, will be heightened and magnified.

So, it is with surprise that we note how the Denver Broncos have been conducting themselves. Various players have insisted that Tom Brady is a “crybaby” or worse in the world of sports, “a whiner.”

We note that no one in Denver is calling him a sore loser or a bad player.

We also note that Deflategate has bitten the snow flakes in the Mile High City where air pressure is apt to be on the light side, like the thought process of Bronco players.

Denver’s cheapshot, team attacks also have centered on Gronk. We suspect that these insulting and demeaning words are seldom heard out in the wild west without a smile, partner.

To New England’s credit, and Coach Belichick’s doghouse, no Patriot would dare to respond in kind. Kind words and bouquets emanate from the Patriot players.

There is a kind of noisy bravura afoot when players are allowed the luxury of hiding behind the Commissioner’s petticoats, or is that under them? There is nothing apparently detrimental to the game to attack, to malign, or to lower its integrity, in these ravings. At least, that’s the feeling among those Broncos and Goodell’s minions.

The Patriots will try to speak on the field with actions that are a cacophony compared to the Twitterings and froth-mouth words from alleged football players.

Usually the culprits are second-rate players putting pressure on their starting linesmen. So it is again.

Brady Mentions Edelman on Facebook!!

DATELINE: Two Exclamation Points!!

 

Like a good humorist, we use only two exclamation marks in our headline.

Tom Brady sent one of his patented and classic zingers in the direction of his occasional Burger Tyme friend, Julian Edelman, this week.

Apparently Tom had been watching the film of his near touchdown on the goal line where he was brutally hit from behind and knocked out of bounds. It was a Red Zone moment that referees often turn into Twilight Zone moments.

He had scored, breaking that invisible plane, but that view was denounced by referees in New York and on the scene. They are under orders to deny Tom any benefit unless it is clear cut—and then still deny it lest the Commissioner cut off their heads.

So, Tom was crushed. Standing nearby in joyous celebration was Jules. Alas, he was a tad premature and undone for not blocking the man with a bead on Tom.

Brady noted it was Julien flexing again, posing for those photos that adorn his man cave. Throwing one of those stink bomb bouquets at Edelman seems to make Tom feel better.

Tom’s Facebook tweet said it all:

And we quote: “Hey, Julian, how about a little less flexing and a little more blocking next time!!”

Brady let Julian off the hook by using only two exclamation points.

We suspect that the duly chastised Edelman will not respond on his own Facebook page. He might if the barb came flying his way from Gronk or Amendola. The bread is buttered on the side Julian likes—and he will not get butter on his pants when he is on a roll.

Manning Versus Brady, Like a Rerun of the Brady Bunch

 DATELINE: Here We Go Again

There are people who have seen Star Wars movies dozens of times. They will watch and watch again for every nuance, no matter how trivial or mundane. They think there is some glorious message of importance between the lines.

The same could be said of football games played between Tom Brady and Peyton Manning.

The twin stars of the NFL have been alive for combined total of nearly a century. Though neither was alive when Star Wars first began its endless cycle, nor were they around when Star Trek first began its mission to explore the universe, they have been in the NFL for the entire 21st century.

And, now, according to soothsayers and prognosticators, they are coming to a milestone: they will face each other, head to head, for the seventeenth time. We cannot find any anniversary memento associated with 17. We think it is the Kumquat commemoration.

So, now Brady and Manning will face each other again in Denver during an important, winner take all, playoff game. This will be the real Super Bowl—and Cam Newton will be an afterthought, a postscript, and likely the Most Valuable Player.

In the meantime, we will be watching old re-treads, sort of like seeing Sylvester Stallone play Rocky one more time in Rocky XVII or as the NFL calls it, Rocky 17—and being given an Oscar nomination.

One great QB hates to play in the cold, and one great QB loves to play in snow.

One will have the secret support of Roger Goodell, and one will be on his list for indictment, drawing, and quartering.

As we come to next Saturday when the Apocalypse of pigskin will dawn, we are to see the Clash of the Titans. It is Thor versus Lokey.

And the game will be hyped like nevermore. There will be nothing low key in this matchup, even though the combatants will not be on the field together except at the start to say hello, and at the end to shake the hand of the better man—er, god.