Tom Brady’s Jiminy Xmas!

DATELINE: Man in Red Suit


Who knew the Jolly Old Elf was bigger than a breadbox? Who knew Santa Claus had clodhoppers on his feet? Who knew Santa drank protein shakes?

Tom Brady, that’s who.

We are a little late this year for the holiday, but found our investigative skills put to the test with this Christmas Eve edition of stolen identities.

Tom Brady hosted Saint Nick for cookies and protein shakes before the long journey into day.

Skeptics started assessing the shoe size of Tom’s Uggs next to Santa and came to a conclusion that is usually reserved for DNA evidence at trials. And, that indicated Santa was bigger than a Polish sausage—pointing fingers in one direction:  Gronk.

We know that, after years of playing together, Tom has grown accustomed to Gronk’s face. He likes the tune Gronk whistles at noon. His smiles, his frowns, his ups and his spikes are second nature to Tom now.

Now Gronk is playing Santa on Christmas Eve to Tom’s kids.

Tom can never be serenely independent. He’s grown accustomed to that voice and that face, its highs and lows.

We recall the first season when Tom would make a sarcastic comment to Gronk—and Gronk would be dazed, mouth agape, unable to speak.

Now, they are sharing milk and cookies. It’s like breathing out and breathing in.

Gronk has become a habit hard to break.