Lettuce Brady, Leafing Through the Losing

DATELINE: Watercressed



At his Wednesday press conference, Tom Brady compared himself to “lettuce.” He noted he was not demoralized, battered or bruised, but more like fresh lettuce.

Yes, a head of lettuce. We always knew that Gronk was Mr. Potato Head, but Brady as head of team never struck us as a leafy legume. We were told back in college botany class that the lettuce was part of the daisy family. Heavens, Tom.

We dare not make this stuff up. Brady claimed he is dewy fresh after taking a pounding over the past two losses. He has been knocked down more than a bowling pin in the header spot.

Greenbacks and lettuce have much in common. Perhaps Tom was referring to his latest EFT of his paycheck. He can afford watercress over lettuce.

Brady is fresh, as he assures us, while he looks for a hot tomato to whom to pass his inflated football. He is leafy green, not yet wilted, and crunches when grabbed by opposing linemen.

In this condition it is far more likely than Tom will play in the salad bowl than the Super Bowl.

If a head of lettuce can go to the head of the class, we will expect that he requires cucumbers, croutons, Edelman, Gronk, and carrots.  We hear that now Amendola has been limited into the salad mix for this week’s game.

Lettuce, pray. And, as the vegetable head faces an onslaught from the Texas longhorns, we feel that we must say: Let us pray.

Next time you wonder if Tom is green around the gills after taking a hard hit from JJ Watt, you may note Tom has developed cauliflower ears and raspberry blotches on his face.