Lurching Forward: Tom Brady in Pasty Pastel

DATELINE: Art for Art’s Sake for Heaven’s Sake

Les Miserables or Tom in Court

Only in the world Featured imageof Roger Goodell do two wrongs make a right, or perhaps at the Famous Artists School.  The federal court artist that has drawn the short straw for two hearings has put a bullseye around Tom Brady for a second time.

Jane Rosenberg needs a new prescription for her eyeglasses. She did see Tom wink and wave at her. Maybe he needs glasses. The latest Tom smacks of Les Miserables.

Court artiste had a second chance to do a quickie with Tom Brady at the third Deflate-gate hearing. Over the weekend, she practiced and did a dimpled version of Tom that might pass a quick look at midnight in the dark.

Today she claimed that hearing was far too short, a mere five minutes, not giving her time enough to digest the good looks of Tom. She admitted she has trouble with pretty.

A critical eye on the latest Brady rendition is enough to convince us that subjective art tells us more about the artist than the subject she paints.

Here, Tom has improved from Laughton’s Quasimodo and now looks merely like the Addams Family butler, Lurch.

Maybe Ms Rosenberg has a Thing for ugly.

If she wants to design Halloween parties, she may be just the bat out of hell to do it. Her intermediate Tom looked like an outtake of Spartacus with Kirk Douglas.

If we are lucky, Jane Rosenberg will never again have to face an easel and Tom Brady. We suspect her true medium is mud.

There was no settlement in the court case, and the art work has remained unsettling.

Advertisements

Tom Brady as Spartacus

DATELINE: HUMOR

Featured image

Is anyone surprised at the result when an immoveable object meets an irresistible force?  In other words, Tom Brady crashed headlong into the NFL—and nothing happened.

Brady and Goodell showed up an hour early for the hearing. And after fifteen minutes with the judge, the hearing ended—and nothing happened.

You could almost hear Judge Richard Berman being asked to sing a refrain from “Che Sera Sera.”   Yep, whatever will be will be.

The thud was the sounds of the chips falling where they may.

If there was any satisfaction from the hearing, it came from beleaguered artist Jane Rosenberg who spent the past few weeks honing her portrait of Tom Brady.

Yes, this version was done before Tom showed up at federal court today. Some believe that Rosenberg had done her penance and deserved a break.

Her latest version of Brady looked somewhat more akin to his natural appearance—if he were playing Spartacus in the mode of Kirk Douglas.

Spartacus was the first sports hero to go into politics—and he started a trend that Tom Brady likely will follow. Spartacus had his Marcus Crassus, dogging him to death, and Tom has the dog-earred Roger Goodell.

You might expect Kirk Douglas and Larry Olivier to play the originals in Spartacus. Nowadays you are far more likely to have Zac Efron play Brady and Charlie Sheen acting out as Goodell, though we would prefer Chace Crawford and Don Johnson.

Another Court Date for Tom & Roger, Artists Beware

DATELINE: HUMOR

Featured image

The principal has called the principals to his office one more time.

Since no side has any shame, they will be there in their best duds. The attorneys are making enough money to cover their giggles in straight-arrow dedication and blue serge suits.

In a sport where clear winners usually emerge weekly, and then are celebrated at season’s end, you have the unusual situation where the judge has asked them to kiss their sibling and settle for a tie.

A handshake would spread a fearful set of germs. A buss on the cheek is considered worse than holding the doorknob of a public restroom.

Cock-eyed optimists point out that Goodell the Czar has unlimited powers and courts are not about to challenge him. Therefore, the NFL is the clear winner in the short haul.

Straight-shooters point out that Brady the Prince Valiant of players has the power to humiliate the game. Therefore, the NFL is a clear loser in the long haul.

At the start of the weekend, Donald Trump again weighed in and called Tom Brady a good man.  So many politicos and fanboys forget that a decade ago the Donald tried to play matchmaker for his daughter Ivanka—and Tom was the choice of the father of the bride.

We suspect that Tom would not be facing these troubles if he were a member of the Billionaire’s Club. As it is, his wife Giselle is worth only half a billion.

We know only one fact will emerge on Monday. There will be a more flattering artist’s rendering of Tom sitting in court.

Another Court Date for Tom & Roger, Artists Beware

Featured imageTom & the Spectre of Deflategate Years Ago

The principal has called the principals to his office one more time.

Since no side has any shame, they will be there in their best duds. The attorneys are making enough money to cover their giggles in straight-arrow dedication and blue serge suits.

In a sport where clear winners usually emerge weekly, and then are celebrated at season’s end, you have the unusual situation where the judge has asked them to kiss their sibling and settle for a tie.

A handshake would spread a fearful set of germs. A buss on the cheek is considered worse than holding the doorknob of a public restroom.

Cock-eyed optimists point out that Goodell the Czar has unlimited powers and courts are not about to challenge him. Therefore, the NFL is the clear winner in the short haul.

Straight-shooters point out that Brady the Prince Valiant of players has the power to humiliate the game. Therefore, the NFL is a clear loser in the long haul.

At the start of the weekend, Donald Trump again weighed in and called Tom Brady a good man.  So many politicos and fanboys forget that a decade ago the Donald tried to play matchmaker for his daughter Ivanka—and Tom was the choice of the father of the bride.

We suspect that Tom would not be facing these troubles if he were a member of the Billionaire’s Club. As it is, his wife Giselle is worth only half a billion.

We know only one fact will emerge on Monday. There will be a more flattering artist’s rendering of Tom sitting in court.

Chris Mortensen, ESPN’s Liar Emeritus

DATELINE: Into the Heart of an Artichoke

Chris Mortensen, We Hardly Recognize You

TheFeatured image man who convinced Roger Goodell to pursue Deflategate, whether he was proven wrong or not, is named Chris Mortensen.

He is, to use the term loosely, a member of the Fourth Estate, according to ESPN.

He proves two wrongs make a right.

Telling lies in American sports is an art of the first order. How he still holds a job is a sign that America sports is a land of crooks and liars.

Though he backs off from claiming he ever blamed Tom Brady for a conspiracy, he is now singing a different tune that Robert Kraft and his dimwit son Jonathan called him to apologize.

That seems an untruth on top of his false deflating reportage.

Yet, it is the sort of duplicity that has permeated the fanbase of 31 NFL teams. They believe his lies.

Worse yet, ESPN lets him promulgate his original baseless charges with impunity.

Worse yet, Roger Goodell has turned both blind eyes to Mortensen as his seeing eye dog.  He admits only he should have clarified his tweets early on. Yes, recanting a lie would have helped. Now he cannot back down—to his ever lasting infamy.

He now is swathing himself in self-righteousness and blaming Bill Belichick for implicating Brady. Hunh?

We have looked into the heart of darkness, and into the heart of an artichoke. And, we have looked into the heart of Chris Mortensen, his satanic majesty. There is no difference.

Bad Reporting Continues in Deflate-gate

DATELINE: Reports Greatly Exaggerated

 

Featured image

You couldn’t ask for a better story than Deflate-gate has ruined the marriage of Tom Brady and Giselle Bundchen. It is the kind of journalistic nugget that writers would kill to confirm.

We are always quick to repeat the worst in Deflate-gate. Its humor has the sour, bitter taste of Jonathan Swift turned into Alexander Pope.

Pope was a reprehensible person and brilliant writer. Swift was just ironical.

Unfortunately, the Deflategate fallout is not true. Of course, it has not stopped us from speculating that Deflategate is corrosive and inane, a combination guaranteed to split up families, fans, and football leagues. You blow it into your reportage—for a quick handle on the ball before you kick it out of bounds.

You might want to believe that Tom Brady is as shallow as the reports of underinflated footballs. He regularly posts photos of himself with his children in special moments. The pictures are taken by his wife.

So, to say that he has let Deflategate turn him into a remote automaton is already disproved by the weekly moments of happy time with wife and kids.

There are those who believe in divine punishment as a sports concept.

You need it to make the Zac Efron movie version of Tom’s life to believe any of the Deflategate nonsense. But, like a Zac Efron movie, you are always left thinking something isn’t quite right or quite credible.

Tom Brady’s marriage will withstand a few leaks of psi. Our madness over Deflategate has not.

Rags and Tabloids Taunt Tom & Giselle

DATELINE: MARRIAGE-GO-ROUND-THE-BEND

 

Featured image  Tom & Giselle Deflating

That probably means us. Can there be trouble in Paradise? We are not as bad as Terez Owens, are we?

Tom and Giselle are reportedly bickering and thinking divorce: and his wife is ready to name a co-respondent:  it’s Deflategate.

Imagine if Tom wins his case and loses his trophy wife.

Since the power couple is tickling the bank accounts and stock market in the vicinity of half a billion dollars, we are not talking chicken feed. And, this is all the fault of Roger Goodell.

Tom and Giselle have two lovely children with whom they share Twitter fun moments, but Tom’s preoccupation with pigskin seems to be a detriment to his parenting and husbandry.

According to some reports, Giselle has walked out of the monumental mansion recently built in Brookline, Massachusetts, to serve as Camelot and Brigadoon.  Now it appears more like Brigadoon, about to disappear into the mists.

We might beg Tom to say it isn’t so. Strictly from a business point of view, this is a catastrophe of the first order—and from the moral that money can buy happiness, we are facing another fall from grace.

If the suspension passes, perhaps Tom will feel compelled to spend more time with wife and kids. If the suspension is upheld, perhaps Tom will consider walking away from the sport that may be ruining his personal life.

The great star loves football—but what price glory?

Don Orsillo Loses His Head to King John Henry VIII’s Order!

DATELINE: John Henry as Queen of Hearts

Featured image

Don Orsillo Travels with Red Sox

King John Henry VIII has returned to his thrilling days of yesteryear.

He has called for the head of Don Orsillo on a silver platter.

Yes, the long-time voice of the Red Sox on television has been cut with all the pomp and circumstance owner John Henry can muster this side of a seppuku style suicide.
Known largely for his low key humor and patient tolerance of all things ridiculous, Don Orsillo now must gird his loins for the worst than can befall him. His television network, also owned by King John Henry, has decided the gentle voice and kind words of Don Orsillo do not fit a team that has sunk to the baseball cellar for two years running.

We had no idea that the man announcing the bad lineups ordered by King John Henry was also the fall guy for their failure.

Orsillo had shown grace under pressure while working aside long-time sidekick Jerry Remy whose own travails should have sent him packing years ago. With a series of medical problems and a problem child who committed murder, Jerry Remy has made Orsillo’s life difficult.

When a series of inexperienced and unprofessional partners were dumped upon him, Orsillo had the good grace to make them look almost tolerable. For that he has been rewarded with a vote of no confidence.

Someone with Orsillo’s mellifluous tones will no doubt find work quickly in another venue, better than the third-rate world of John Henry and Tom Werner’s media circus.

We feel compelled yet again to offer our bric-a-bracs to the front office buffoons who now run the Red Sox into the ground on a yearly basis.

 

Trump Endorses Tom Brady

DATELINE: Powerful Friends

Featured image

The Donald weighed in again on Tom Brady whom he labeled a “great friend of mine.”  He even showed his cell phone with a message that Tom had sent Trump his new number.

Taking Brady’s side is a non-brainer. Trump noted that spending over $10 milion in legal fees was a crazy notion. There is no reason to torment a “a great star. They ought to go back to playing football. This country has bigger problems.”

In Donald Trump’s opinion, the NFL has wronged a great player through the ridiculous parody of justice called Deflategate.  He believes Tom should never have been suspended, and he is equally convinced that Tom will win his lawsuit.

We doubt that this makes a dent in the cement head logic of Roger Goodell who thinks he is the czar of football with unlimited powers of punishment.

When it comes to fantasy football, Tom is Trump’s main guy.

We have speculated that Tom likely has a post in a cabinet of President Trump—or perhaps Trump will make him overseer of national sports.

In the world of politics, Trump’s endorsement of Tom will likely mean somewhere down the line, Tom Brady will have to return the favor—and give his endorsement of Trump’s candidacy.

This is not a problem as Brady is a well-known Republican libertarian, a believer in cell phone privacy, and a man on the right side of issues.

Goodell’s Owners’ Council

DATELINE: FARCE

Featured imageOOPs!   wrong Roger!!

In case you’re wondering, Roger Goodell has been running around like crazy this weekend. He has tried to gather a group of owners to put a stamp of approval on some kind of settlement with Tom Brady.

The owner of the New York Giants refused to serve.

You know you are in trouble when your bosses won’t lift a finger to save your bacon.

Ah, the perogrative of being a billionaire! You may rest assured that no billionaire is refusing to help Goodell because they hate the Patriots. They are letting their Commissioner twist slowly in the wind.

The prevailing owner view is that Goodell has created a mess—and he has to own up to his actions. That likely means the owners have their cake and eat it too. They can later step back from Goodell, or more likely step on Goodell for his gross incompetence.

First and foremost, there are some who have thought hiring Ted Wells is not the best or brightest idea. This is the man who has made tobacco money for arguing second-hand smoke will not give you lung cancer.

Now he is saying that Tom Brady seems to have deflated footballs.

And, Goodell took this as an indictment with a smoking gun. It looks like Wells and his second-hand smoke screen is doing in Roger Goodell. Puff, puff, Roger, and tell St. Peter at the Golden Gate that he will just have to wait….you want to puff on the funny smoke given to you by Ted Wells.

Going for It on Fourth Down: Brady Won’t Take A Knee

DATELINE:  Whatever Happened to Baby Goodell?

Featured image

Mark your calendars, news junkies. The next clash of the Titans is scheduled for August 31 at 10am in Manhattan

You may wonder who will take Manhattan, or whether the wampum is worth the worry. The judge, apparently not totally out of patience, has ordered the two principal drama queens to bring their act to his court for another performance.

Not since Becket and Henry II went at it have we felt such tension. It’s like Laurence Olivier and Anthony Quinn deciding to switch roles night after night when they performed the historical drama back in the 1950s when they did Becket on Broadway. It made Burton and O’Toole’s movie seem like pabulum

Brady and Goodell are playing switchies. One day Goodell is the bad guy, and the next day Brady takes on the role

For sheer theatrical fireworks, you have to go back to All About Eve and Bette Davis playing Margo Channing. As bad as Margo might seem, there was little Eve, little Miss Evil, who was waiting in the wings for her big moment, hoping the star would break a leg, or at least tear an MCL

Alas, it is another Bette Davis film that most scares us as a parallel to the Goodell/Brady story. Yes, we mean Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?

Baby Jane Goodell is an aging faux athlete insanely jealous of his glamorous counterpart, Blanche Brady. So, they begin to torment each other with sadistic dirty tricks.

Judge Berman Deflates NFL Attorney

 DATELINE: What is Fair?

Featured image Man of the Hour

At the second hearing Judge Richard Berman dropped bomb after bomb on the heads of the NFL. The palace guard of Roger Goodell seemed shell-shocked and unable to respond.

The favorite response of Mr. Goodell’s lawyer was to defer to the Commissioner’s good judgment. However, that Goodell wisdom seemed a tad on the cockamamie side.

Wow, with an attorney like that, Mr. Goodell ought to book passage to the next gulag for his vacation spot.

Like many in Boston, Judge Berman was curious as to how the NFL equated deflating balls to using steroids and performance enhancing drugs. The answers seemed not to satisfy His Honor.

He also wanted to know what portion of the four game suspension was for obstruction and what part for deflation. The NFL attorney could not say. It was Commissioner Goodell’s discretion.

The Judge also pointed out he could vacate this suspension if he thought the NFL withheld the union’s right to question a witness (meaning NFL editor of the Wells Report—Jeff Pash). There was no genuine response, calling Pash “irrelevant” to which the Judge noted: “There are some basic procedures of fairness that have to be followed…. You got to let someone make their case.”

Berman noted, “I believe some arbitration awards have been vacated” because a witness was not allowed to be called without explanation.

Most intriguing, Judge Berman mused, “I don’t see how four games (for deflation, non cooperation) is comparable to using steroids and a masking agent.”

He also wondered, “The next time someone tampers with a ball but cooperates, what suspension would he get?”

On and on it went with the Judge sending a no-nonsense message to Goodell.

If Goodell’s attorney did not run back to tell Roger that he is in big trouble, then the notion that Goodell wants “yes men” all around him cannot be disputed.

Mutant Head Lice Rival Mutant Deflate-gate Stories

DATELINE:  To a Louse

Featured image

With disturbing news reports of mutant head lice now an epidemic in the United States, we found more than a few parallels to Deflate-gate.

Wasn’t it poet Robbie Burns who wrote his famous ode to Deflate-gate called “To a Louse!”

Though not a health risk, mutant lice are like deflated footballs, they have become a national nuisance.

These creepy little hair lovers used to respond to a quick-fix, but those days are over. And, like Deflategate, you now may realize that the crisis has grown to pressures higher than any football could withstand.

Failure to take a little louse seriously has also led to a resistant strain of air pressure gauges. 104 out of 109 strains of pigskin now have grown resistant to holding their air pressure. Standard over-the-counter referees are ill-equipped biologically to see, to feel, or to notice, any signs of deflated footballs.

If no one can tell that a case of deflation has taken over, how important is the crisis? Well, according to scientists, this problem has arisen because football is frequently played in cold weather and in changeable climates that tend to allow deflation to gain a foothold in kicking balls—and later the air seeps out of game balls.

Countless fans have now become aware of the scourge of high scoring games. The single bane worse than head lice in children would be head lice in quarterbacks who are dealing with itchy scalps while trying to hit a target 50 yards down the field.

Mutant stories of deflated footballs are growing more common and troubling at all levels of the sport, causing more and more lousy stories about Tom Brady and Roger Goodell to proliferate as fans look to any tonic to dump on the heads of the Deflate-gate attorneys.

Red Sox Redux 2015, Reduction by Subtraction

DATELINE: RETURN TO RED SOX QUALITY

Featured imageBen Cherington Rides Off into Sunset

King John Henry VIII is up to his old tricks.

This time Ben Cherington keeps his head, but loses his job. For some reason he did not want to stay on under the new President of Baseball Operations, Dave Dumbowsky, who once worked as GM for King John Henry at the Marlins fiefdom.

Now they will be reunited in mediocrity, replacing the nonentities that Cherington brought into the organization through his dartboard process and selection of players.

Cherington will always be remembered as the man who sounded like Theo Epstein and unloaded a quarter of a billion dollars worth of bad baseball contracts, sending them all to Los Angeles for a bag of onion chips.

Lately Ben Cherington has been exhibiting more than his usual smarmy style, having brought to this year’s team the concept of a “team ace,” meaning no pitcher was ready before his time—and certainly not ready period.

He also brought aboard two slugs, another Ramirez and a Panda bear. Both seem to have more injuries than Dustin Pedroia. He found a wide range of psychotherapists for Clay Bucholz.

We suppose Cherington did only what he was told by retiring poohba Larry Lucchino—and he followed the yellow goldbrick road right out the door to Yawkey Way.

Sox brass praised Cherington as the right man to run the Red Sox when a mad bomber blows up the Boston Marathon. Cherington knew how to make the team part of the Boston Strong public relations juggernaut. Praise, indeed.

If we really cared about the Red Sox this season, we might have followed this fiasco to its inevitable conclusion—but we swore off the Sox about four months ago. We make an occasional right decision.

 

 

Tom Brady Will NOT Be at Second Hearing

DATELINE: Second Down
Featured image

Tom Brady is not legally required to show up at the second hearing before Judge Richard Berman. However, reports are circulating that he may attend. He came to New York for secret peace talks on Tuesday, but Goodell was having none of it.

In the previous hearing, observers noted that Brady did not look upon Roger Goodell, let alone acknowledge him with a handshake or other greeting. Brady simply went to his neutral corner.

Goodell is not required to show up at the second hearing, but if word leaks out that Brady will be there, will Roger be far behind? If he does not attend, it will make him look all the worse. The Judge again told Brady he did not have to attend.

We know that Tom will not be there to exchange pleasantries or to mend fences with the man who has maligned him, debased his sworn testimony, and has led a witchhunt to ruin the star quarterback’s reputation.

Would you seek a chance to shake the hand of this man? We suspect that, even if an agreement, settlement, or deal is struck between the warring factions, Tom will hardly be a good sport over this matter.

Of course, everyone will want a picture of the moment Brady and Goodell bury the hatchet. We suspect there will never be such a photograph, unless it is photoshopped by the millions of enterprising gagsters out there.

This ridiculous charade may seem like a game of trivial pursuit, but it is deadly business to Brady. One has only to note that he did not participate in any of the moments of levity during the previous hearing session. Tom’s game face may never disappear when it comes to the Goodell shenanigans.