DATELINE: Mole in the NFL
Bug in Roger Goodell’s Office
For months we have been hearing leaked reports in the media.
The pssst you hear to catch your attention comes from ESPN usually. An intrepid reporter is holding a football to his ear.
We have worked assiduously to learn the identity of this top secret covert agent. If you have followed news stories, you know that each week Unnamed Sources has revealed that Tom’s Deflation will be solved in a day, a week, or soon.
And time after time, Unnamed Sources has been, how can we put this delicately, totally wrong.
Mr. U. Sources has been everywhere, sometimes working under the alias of Sources Not Authorized To Speak. Mr. S.N.A.T.S. seems to work either in the law offices of Ted Wells, Jeffrey Kessler, or has a bug planted under Roger Goodell’s desk.
Fat lot of good that does! We suspect Goodell has not been sitting at his desk since St. Swithin’s Day.
Mr. U.N. Sources may be an international operative, in conjunction with Donald Trump’s Mexican connection.
Sources Close to Tom Brady may have a voice that sounds like Caitlyn Jenner. We suspect there is a Major Drag on Tom involved in the timetable that has delayed a Deflategate ruling.
We know that a bug planted in Roger Goodell’s cell phone is only slightly worse than a bug in Lindsay Graham’s phone. Taking a sledgehammer to the phone may be the only solution to end the speculation.
According to Unnamed Sources, nobody wants to go to court, but nobody wants to give an inch. We want to know who Nobody is.
Not since the blinding the Cyclops has Nobody been so busy, but as unseen.
We await Nixon’s Deep Throat to come out of retirement to fill us in.