Knocking the Chip Off Deflategate’s Ball

 DATELINE: WHIMSICAL SCENE

 

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It sounds like a Tennessee Williams play about cannibalism: Suddenly Last Summer will be a good title for the Deflate-gate saga.

Suddenly, after six months of paralysis, suddenly reports tell us that the NFL and Tom Brady want a quick resolution to the Deflate-gate case. All of a sudden.

Say what? You mean after posturing, belligerence, bellicose pronouncements and threats, we have reasonable men about to sit down and negotiate? Yes, apparently.

What has happened to bring about this turn of the screw? It would appear a New York judge told them to settle this and to tone down the bravado. With September 4th looming as a date to let Brady play the first game, something has to be done within the next four weeks.

At present Brady’s attorney, the wily coyote known as Jeffrey Kessler, has announced they will not seek an injunction against the NFL ruling.

What does that mean? Well, it means both parties have talked and decided they have some common ground after all. It likely means whatever is determined, Brady will play.

In all likelihood, Brady will pay through the nose an enormous fine for equipment transgressions. Whether he acknowledges any wrongful rules violations may be the sticking point. He will say he is sorry he called Roger a dope

It is also not foregone that Brady’s attorney to seek an injunction days before the drop dead date of Sept. 4th. However, all parties seem to suddenly realize that they look like jackasses and the case is working to the detriment of all.

Suddenly.

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Trump’s Cabinet Comes To Light

 

DATELINE: Sports, Movies, and Politics, Satire

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Though we have floated Tom Brady as the vice presidential nominee of choice for Donald Trump, it now appears that super-rich Brady, known for being against inflation, has been trumped by another billionaire of well-known antics.

Yes, Mark Cuban—owner of the Dallas Mavericks—and no stranger to controversy—is thrilled at Trump’s run for the presidency, believing it finally shows that a fake, scrubbed, PC candidate need not avoid politics.

Cuban would surely trump Tom when it comes to throwing money away on the cause. Tom’s funds are limited, especially if he loses nearly $2million in salary if his suspension is upheld.

Cuban, on the other hand, is well oiled with Texas Tea.

Not only that, he is seasoned. Just this season he played the President of the United States in Sharknado 3. It shocked Jeb Bush enough to admit he is culturally illiterate.

Politics and sports seem to marry almost as well as politics and movies, or sports and movies.

If Tom is bumped out of the vice presidency with Donald Trump, he surely can be Secretary of State—where lying and cheating are needed more every day. And, Tom can do it with a smile.

We do not recommend him for Secretary of Defense. He is strictly an offensive weapon.

As for First Lady, we point out that Trump is divorced, and he may be looking for the right girl to serve as his First Lady. We nominate the Republican of recent reality shows: Caitlyn Jenner. She is a rugged individualist and registered as a Republican. Move over, John Wayne.

Tom Brady on the Yellow Brick Road

 DATELINE:  On the Road to Federal Prison

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When last we left our story, L. Frank Baum was crying like a banshee from the Great Beyond.

Yes, Tom Brady turned to Gronk and said, “I don’t think we’re in the NFL anymore.” Indeed, as the two continued down the Yellow Brick Road, they encountered more weird doings than flying monkeys. Deflated footballs flew with psst coming out of them.

Brady was joined by Belichick the Tin Woodman, who was so stiff they didn’t have enough oil to loosen his jaw pins. He wants a heart. Also along for the long journey is Krafty the Scarecrow whose pronouncements against the Commissioner don’t scare anyone. He wants a brain. And no one in this story has the courage of his convictions.

Trump, the Good Witch of the North, had urged Brady to go to see the Wizard who trumped the Commissioner’s power. And so, the Munchkins of Patriot Place waved him away.

He has been stopped several times by the Wicked Witch of the West, also known as Goodell the Bad. He wants his Super Bowl trophies returned tout suite.

It’s a long journey to find the Wizard of the federal courts. It may take Tom as much as four games to find the place. It’s located in Canton, Ohio.

The main problem with this script is that Goodell the Bad thinks he is playing the Godfather, not a wicked witch. Brady thinks he is Superman, and Gronk thinks he is dancing for the stars.

In fact, this script will be a Kubrick production entitled How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Long Bomb, or 2015: A Strange Odyssey.

Brady Shrugged, or The Pressurehead

DATELINE: PSI OR PED FOR Goodell

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The pinhead running the NFL is engaged in exceptionalism. That is, he attacks exceptional people. He himself is so banal and ordinary that we suspect he is using PEDs to improve his performance.

We have only to look at the bubblehead of Roger Goodell to suspect that PEDs are not banned from the Commissioner’s office, only the playing fields.

Atlas may shrug, and Kraft may shrug, but Ayn Rand is rolling in her proverbial grave. Roger Goodell is the epitome of business gone bird brain. Goodell firmly believes that talent and ability are overrated., which is why he wanted Brady to grovel at his feet rather than fight for his honor.

The elderly Commissioner (pushing 60) has hijacked a body belonging to a man much younger—and we are suspicious how he has done it. Can it be steroids?

That would also explain a great deal about his inability to focus, to comprehend, and to adjudicate. Goodell is a man who can never do what Tom Brady has accomplished. His testosterone infused physique belies his inability to do much after suffering from being muscle-bound.

In Goodell’s pea-brain, if he beats Brady, he is better than Brady. He is annoying, and worse, he is dangerous. Of course, we are presuming there is brain activity in the head of a maroon.

We suspect that Brady has touched a nerve in Goodell. We all know the major side-effect of steroids is deflated balls. Does Roger have a secret?

Trump Trumps Goodell

 DATELINE: FARCE

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Presidential candidate Donald Trump revealed today that he has been advising Tom Brady to sue the NFL.

Trump is an occasional golf partner with Tom Brady and their friendship extends to fatherly advice. The Donald told Tom to sue the NFL for half a billion dollars—but now thinks he should have sued them much earlier.

Tom, for his part, according to Trump, sent a little thank you note to the top candidate for the Republican presidential nomination. He said, simply, “You were right.”

Trump also had sympathetic words for Robert Kraft whom he feels has been badly treated by the NFL and its Commissioner whose actions have defied all limits of sanity.

As if he were putting himself up for another job if the presidential situation takes a nose dive, Trump insisted that were he commissioner this entire situation would have been resolved in a week to everyone’s satisfaction.

Trump believes Deflategate is a molehill of the tallest order. Though he did not call Goodell an “idiot,” like Lindsay Graham, or accuse him of trying to look smart, like Rick Perry, Trump was not supportive of the NFL Commish.

We believe Donald Trump would make an excellent Commissioner for whatever sport he wants, but surely this is not an indication that he is thinking of taking his hat out of the presidential contest.

Perhaps we are looking at Vice President Tom Brady.

Calling the entire way the Deflategate scandal has been handled as “shocking,” Trump likely sees half a billion dollars as punitive to Goodell, which would probably result in his firing by the NFL owners.

Trump resisted the temptation to say to Goodell, “You should be fired!”

Fiery Dictators like Goodell Are a Present Danger

 DATELINE: FIRE in the HOLE

 

Featured imageTin Plate Dictators are All Alike

The last time goose-stepping goons in the employ of a power mad dictator went ballistic, they burned down the Reichstag in Berlin.

Tom Brady should double security around his mansion in Brookline, in case the NFL arsonists are afoot.

Owner Robert Kraft has just had the smelling salts removed from his nostrils—and he is now finding the Deflategate punishment “unfathomable,” and he wonders why he could have ever put his faith in the league (and you, Mr. Goodell). Yeah, we wonder the same thing.

Kraft is the kind of man who has previously admitted he is easily duped. It looks like history has repeated itself, Mr. Kraft.

A few pundits are claiming that this minor fracas over a psi is now part of something greater and far more sinister. It seems to be an action worthy of Caligula and Nero put together. Are we back to burning down Gillette Stadium while Mr. Goodell fiddles away his $44m salary for 2015?

Brady now blames the character assassins for their shoddy attack when, like Edward Snowden, Brady is defending all Americans and their liberties to have their private phone calls remain private from illegal and intrusive listeners. Are you listening, Mr. Goodell?

Other pundits say that Brady is playing with fire. In a sworn affidavit, Brady would be in double jeopardy! How can he be in any more jeopardy than with a judge, jury, and prosecutor all rolled into one package: the Commissioner.

The NFL is desperately filing lawsuits against Brady!

Goodell knows something about home field advantage, and he wants to prevent Brady and the Players Union from finding a judge who is a Patriot fan.

In the meantime, we hope Tom Brady will pursue the scorched earth policy—as we recall from history, only when tyrants are removed will the world be a safe place.

Tom Brady Speaks: no humor here

I am very disappointed by the NFL’s decision to uphold the 4 game suspension against me. I did nothing wrong, and no one in the Patriots organization did either.

Despite submitting to hours of testimony over the past 6 months, it is disappointing that the Commissioner upheld my suspension based upon a standard that it was “probable” that I was “generally aware” of misconduct. The fact is that neither I, nor any equipment person, did anything of which we have been accused. He dismissed my hours of testimony and it is disappointing that he found it unreliable.

I also disagree with yesterdays narrative surrounding my cellphone. I replaced my broken Samsung phone with a new iPhone 6 AFTER my attorneys made it clear to the NFL that my actual phone device would not be subjected to investigation under ANY circumstances. As a member of a union, I was under no obligation to set a new precedent going forward, nor was I made aware at any time during Mr. Wells investigation, that failing to subject my cell phone to investigation would result in ANY discipline.

Most importantly, I have never written, texted, emailed to anybody at anytime, anything related to football air pressure before this issue was raised at the AFC Championship game in January. To suggest that I destroyed a phone to avoid giving the NFL information it requested is completely wrong.

To try and reconcile the record and fully cooperate with the investigation after I was disciplined in May, we turned over detailed pages of cell phone records and all of the emails that Mr. Wells requested. We even contacted the phone company to see if there was any possible way we could retrieve any/all of the actual text messages from my old phone. In short, we exhausted every possibility to give the NFL everything we could and offered to go thru the identity for every text and phone call during the relevant time. Regardless, the NFL knows that Mr. Wells already had ALL relevant communications with Patriots personnel that either Mr. Wells saw or that I was questioned about in my appeal hearing. There is no “smoking gun” and this controversy is manufactured to distract from the fact they have zero evidence of wrongdoing.

I authorized the NFLPA to make a settlement offer to the NFL so that we could avoid going to court and put this inconsequential issue behind us as we move forward into this season. The discipline was upheld without any counter offer. I respect the Commissioners authority, but he also has to respect the CBA and my rights as a private citizen. I will not allow my unfair discipline to become a precedent for other NFL players without a fight.

Lastly, I am overwhelmed and humbled by the support of family, friends and our fans who have supported me since the false accusations were made after the AFC Championship game. I look forward to the opportunity to resume playing with my teammates and winning more games for the New England Patriots.

Tom Brady Did Not Commit Crime!

DATELINE: Crime Free

Featured image  Goodell’s Gift to the World

Dare we take a rare position and tell you lynch mob types that Tom Brady committed no crime?

It made be a hard nut to swallow for many, but breaking NFL rules is not a legally defined crime.

We would also point out that impeding an investigation with no legal authority does not constitute obstruction of justice. It’s like refusing to testify who ate the last cookie in the cookie jar. Mom has authority, but she can’t send you to jail—only to bed without supper.

Destroying a cell phone is a recommended practice rather than let it fall into the wrong hands when you buy a new phone. And, there is no better way to describe the NFL and their fishing expedition led by Ted Wells as “the wrong hands” among the “wrong people.”

Goodell the Self-Righteous has a vendetta against Tom Brady. It’s like the Godfather telling his henchmen to leave the gun and take the canolis.

We don’t want to equate the NFL to the MOB, but where there’s a suspension, there’s a guilty thug.

We can’t remember the last NFL suspension that was upheld without reduction. We think the last commissioner to order such Draconian punishment was Josef Stalin, who come-to-think-of-it, may have been Roger Goodell’s godfather.

Tom has become our new High Plains Drifter.

We think he ought to paint the town red and then ride off, up into the clouds.

Tom Brady: Hang Down Your Head Like Tom Dooley

Featured imageGoodell Readies the Noose for Tom

Does Edward Snowden need a roommate at the Kremlin?

Tom Brady may want to share the expenses while he is in exile from the NFL and Patriot fans everywhere.

We remember the other Tom of song—Tom Dooley, ready for a hanging.

The cell phone that was eaten by a creature from the Black Lagoon, or at least from UFO central, has left Tom looking like a man who buried the bodies for Whitey Bulger.

There are clearly those who will demonize Tom Brady.

For them he is now the new Satan, the New Nixon, the New Ted Bundy, or worse.

Imagine having one’s life ruined for a few psi, and thugs who beat the wives and children will go on playing with impunity, having beaten the rap too.

Roger Goodell is heinous, sitting on the right hand of Justice, wearing a blindfold and professing his holier than thou stance.

Tom Brady is left with the shards of a court case to attack the injustice of a system that will equate him with murderers and slugs. Of course, he must go to federal court, and he must not step down from his high horse.

If he does, he may end up crying that he will give his kingdom for a horse while the hoards of a mob rip him to shreds.

This is a modern tragedy. We need Truman Capote or Theodore Dreiser to point out where Tom’s place in the sun may be found.

Mad media like Stephen A. Smith want to hang Tom in cold blood, feeling vindicated that white collar crime is worse than theatrical massacres or big city riots.

Richard Nixon & Tom Brady: Technophobes

 DATELINE: 18 and a Half Minutes Missing

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Technology did in Richard Nixon, and technology has done in Thomas Brady.

With the word that his suspension is upheld, the NFL accused Tom of destroying evidence. It seems he ordered his cell phone to be sledgehammered into oblivion when Ted Wells wanted to see and to hear it.

As we recall, Richard Nixon destroyed 18 and a half minutes of highly incriminating audio tape, rather than turn it over to investigators, causing the horror of Watergate.

If you are a student of history, you may want to tell us that those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it. And, Tom has turned his phone conversations into the stuff of legend. Like Nixon’s comments, Tom’s comments will be the stuff of speculation for generations to come. Deflate-gate is a sports metaphor version of Nixon’s fall.

Brady is likely to go to federal court and play it to the hilt. Those who want to think the worst of him already do—and their opinion will never be swayed.

Unlike every thug and vicious criminal to have Goodell’s mercy, Tom Brady is the clean cut, white collar fellow who must face sworn testimony in court. Goodell wants to see his greatest QB facing perjury and obstruction of justice charges.

We cannot imagine a sport, short of Ancient Rome, that crowds called for the literal blood of its stars. There was no free ride. Those downturned thumbs meant you were dead meat

Tom ought to ride off into the sunset now, leaving puzzlement in his wake, refusing to participate in this turn of the screw.

Nixon had his Frost, and Brady may need to designate nemesis somewhere down the road. As for now, resignation looks like the best highway out of town.

Secret Identity of Tom Brady Snitch Revealed

DATELINE: Mole in the NFL

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For months we have been hearing leaked reports in the media.

The pssst you hear to catch your attention comes from ESPN usually. An intrepid reporter is holding a football to his ear.

We have worked assiduously to learn the identity of this top secret covert agent. If you have followed news stories, you know that each week Unnamed Sources has revealed that Tom’s Deflation will be solved in a day, a week, or soon.

And time after time, Unnamed Sources has been, how can we put this delicately, totally wrong.

Mr. U. Sources has been everywhere, sometimes working under the alias of Sources Not Authorized To Speak. Mr. S.N.A.T.S. seems to work either in the law offices of Ted Wells, Jeffrey Kessler, or has a bug planted under Roger Goodell’s desk.

Fat lot of good that does! We suspect Goodell has not been sitting at his desk since St. Swithin’s Day.

Mr. U.N. Sources may be an international operative, in conjunction with Donald Trump’s Mexican connection.

Sources Close to Tom Brady may have a voice that sounds like Caitlyn Jenner. We suspect there is a Major Drag on Tom involved in the timetable that has delayed a Deflategate ruling.

We know that a bug planted in Roger Goodell’s cell phone is only slightly worse than a bug in Lindsay Graham’s phone. Taking a sledgehammer to the phone may be the only solution to end the speculation.

According to Unnamed Sources, nobody wants to go to court, but nobody wants to give an inch. We want to know who Nobody is.

Not since the blinding the Cyclops has Nobody been so busy, but as unseen.

We await Nixon’s Deep Throat to come out of retirement to fill us in.

New NFL Rules; Out with Brady’s Crime

 DATELINE: DEFLATEGATE DEADER Than DOORNAIL!

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The NFL just handed Tom Brady his “get out of jail free” card.

Over the weekend, Roger Goodell’s cowardly rules writers came up with a series of protocols about how to handle footballs before the game and after the game.

These rules did not exist before this. Now referees must keep measurements and tally the results. On randomly selected games, more intensive measures will be taken.

Well, you cannot be guilty of a retroactive law. No court in the United States of America will uphold rounding up the usual suspects and charging them with a law that was not a crime last year.

We would love to hear Brady’s lawyers claiming the NFL is making up new laws and charging old crimes.

What Goodell seems to be doing is setting up a situation where he will admit the deficiencies of the rules. He will vacate the punishment given to Brady and claim that he will now have a warning not to do anything resembling deflation of balls.

However, Brady has a stronger case now to go to federal courts and say he was discriminated against by the NFL. They charged him with a crime that was not a crime until this weekend.

We suspect that before much time passes, Tom Brady will find himself with a back door pardon. He may even agree to a fine that he bent an equipment rule. He cannot be charged with deflating footballs now because that rule did not exist before today.

Chalk up a victory for the Players Union. Let us be the first to declare Deflate-gate deader than a doornail.

Waiting for the Letters of Transit

 DATELINE: HUMOR

Featured image Roger Goodell’s Song and Dance!

The latest news out of Roger Goodell’s office indicates we are dealing with one of the most obtuse people in human history.

Word leaking out from the Commissioner’s office is that they believe the best strategy is the old Nixonian style. They will let Tom Brady twist slowly in the wind.

We are back in Casablance before WW2 where refugees wait, wait, wait, for their letters of transit out of town. Tom Brady wants his get out of jail free card from Goodell’s minions.

Yes, when you lynch someone and destroy their reputation, it is standard practice to drag your feet on any opportunity to end the cruel waiting game.

The Goodell contingent figure they know Tom Brady to be an impatient player who will chomp at the bit to begin practicing and return to the field. So, their method is mad. They will let him stew until he becomes so agitated that he will agree to any looney punishment that Goodell’s halfwit advisors can create.

Have they no decency? Have they no understanding of Tom Brady? He wants his reputation returned in tact. He will not capitulate to their refusal to respond.

The other shoe won’t drop, ergo, Tom cannot file a court appeal to their decision. Yes, if there is no decision, you simply float along the great river of indecision.

In the meantime, drunken arrests of NFL players are now winning three game suspensions. Legitimate felonious crime receives less penalty suspensions than a man who MAY have asked for his footballs to be on the soft side.

We think the only soft thing nowadays is the spongy material between Roger Goodell’s ears. That soft organ has been deflating since he took over the Captain Renault in Casablanca.

Tom Brady’s Deal Sent to Limbo

DATELINE: HUMOR

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Tom on the Blacklist?

Unauthorized reports circulated suddenly that the NFLPA offered Roger Goodell a deal to end the Deflategate impasse. You might think this is the first sign that pressures are mounting—and someone’s willpower is shaking.

You would be wrong.

Sent to the Commissioner last week, the Brady sanctioned deal was met with stony silence.

In some instances, you may know that silence is golden. In other ways, silence is death. In the case of the NFL silence is likely the result of not knowing what to do.

Brady’s unaccepted offer apparently suggested that he would pay a hefty fine, but be given no suspension. Buying your way out is a tried and true American strategy, likely the idea of his supermodel, super-rich wife, Giselle Bundchen.

If silence was the response, the NFL was not buying.

And, that, Brady fans, means simply that they want to hang the superstar quarterback. Goodell is paralyzed because several powerful owners want to see their nemesis Brady punished for crimes both committed and uncommitted.

The notion that Brady will have his day in court now appears obvious. And, the NFL will shiver their timbers and swallow hard, egos deflated.

Owners never think that the courts will make them look ridiculous because they are a breed of men who do what they want—legal or not.

So, we are left up in the air, yet again, as training camp is on the horizon—and the great star of his age will be living in limbo, but not yet told to go to hell.

In Contempt of Roger Goodell

DATELINE: HUMOR

Featured imageFor Tom from Roger

In case you missed it, a federal judge has held Roger Goodell in contempt for not resolving the Adrian Peterson case. Yup, the Commissioner has been dragging his feet—and the judge has ordered binding arbitration. If that is not achieved, he will hold Goodell in contempt of court.

We hate to say it, but Goodell has contempt for everything and everyone related to football. Why is this man the commissioner?

In a related development, Roger the Dodger reported today that he has no timetable to give a ruling in the Tom Brady/Deflategate appeal. This is two weeks after he said the ruling was coming in a week or so.

Do you have the feeling Goodell is a tad nervous to render his opinion? He now claims he is considering every aspect of Brady’s appeal. “We want to make sure…” he intones. He wants to be sure he won’t be character assassinated. (It’s too late, Roger.)

The contempt is dripping out the corners of his mouth and now can be seen sputtering out of his ears. The man is a walking contempt of athlete’s lifestyle.

All this certainly returns us to our conspiracy theories that someone is trying to do in Tom Brady, if not the entire Patriots organization.

Do other owners have so much contempt for the winners of a Super Bowl?

Is the contempt coming from the media? They love a controversy

This leaves us with the prime suspect once again in the Commissioner’s office. Who do we know with contempt for Tom Brady? Hmmm, that’s a tough one. If you give us a few more weeks we think we might have a candidate, more or less, in a general sense of the word.