Broke Hernandez


 DATELINE: Funny Money

Featured imageHernandez Lawyer Collects Fee


The news for Aaron Hernandez is grim. Forget being charged with double murder. He is low on cash.

His lawyer said there are no longer piles of money. No, we suspect not, especially after a cartload of lawyers descended on his bank account. One of his high priced lawyers is named Fee. Yikes. You know that one won’t lose a retainer.

Now we learn that Hernandez cannot even get a cash advance from his credit cards.

Welcome to Poverty Row, Hernandez. Like the rest of us who need legal counsel, we found ourselves penurious more often than not after the initial free conference with our lawyer.

Perhaps one of your rich former teammates can advance you a loan. Don’t ask Tom Brady because he may lose 25% of his salary for the upcoming season.

Gronk seems generous. What about those Pouncey Twins? They seemed loaded—guns and all.

Of course, you could always downgrade your attorneys from a dozen to two. And, on the positive side, you no longer have to worry about paying for room and board. The Commonwealth of Massachusetts is generously giving you three skimpy meals per day and a roof.

We hate to say we told you so, but murder is an expensive hobby. When you start bumping off victims and witnesses too (or trying), you really run up the tab.

Alas, you can’t sell the million-dollar dollhouse you lived in or even your Hummer—everyone wants a piece of the estate. Now you are reduced to giving hummers in prison. That goes with the territory of killing people who have angry relatives.

Perhaps you can make a few bucks by working in the commissary at the prison, or by handing out towels in the shower room. Tips can go a long way.