DATELINE: No Golden Pond
Sylvester Stallone’s gathering of elderly action stars in a return to form series called The Expendables was meant to be a satire, tongue-in-cheek fun. Somewhere along the way it became grim action routines in a vaudevillian roadshow. We’re now up to #3, and none of your favorite stars has kicked the bucket yet.
They are still kicking ass.
We used to enjoy films like the Wild Bunch or the Dirty Dozen. Now we have the Wild and Dirty Golden Agers.
These old stars were obviously and desperately sitting by the phone hoping to regain their star status, if not their youth and vitality.
Our Gang of old-timers refuses to play mentors, grandpas, or Gabby Hayes to younger stars. Perhaps they are remembered by boomers with a lost sense of time and place.
Yes, they used to make movies like this and called it On Golden Pond.
Now your golden agers are committing mayhem like adolescent thugs. We want to take a count on how many Depends were needed make these guys Expendable.
Some of the old stars we want to see made the annual gone to be Big Silver Screen in the Sky list recently played on New Year’s newscasts and likely in the montage of yesteryear at the Oscars.
Don’t worry: a who’s who of fading stars is left here: Harrison Ford, Mel Gibson, Arnold, Dolph, Wesley Snipes, Antonio Banderas, and on and on. Stallone writes this stuff in his sleep and produces it with a kill-ratio of 100 to each star.
Your explosions and carrying-on no longer can be considered nostalgic. These guys are serious in holding off The Grim Reaper. There will be no cable TV series for them in their dotage. It’s big time Big Screen Big Mayhem.
Next time we suggest that Stallone gather all the old, former James Bond actors and have a real shoot off at the 007 Rest Home.