Putting On Airs at Gillette Stadium

DATELINE: An Ironic Wind Shear

flaccid footballs

According to preliminary NFL reports, eleven balls used at the Patriots-Colts game this past Sunday were under inflated by an average of two psi.

This means over 20 pounds of air pressure went missing during the first half of play on Sunday night. Where did this hot air go?

You might start looking in the broadcast booth, or you could measure the breeze in the owner box.

Fetid air around Gillette often emanates from the referees’ locker room. But during this playoff game, the zebra quarters seem closer than usual. No extra air was found there, only methane gas.

NFL investigators have been looking for the missing air, but reports that the offending atmosphere is colorless and odorless has left investigators gasping for air and grasping at straws.

The Patriots-Colts game aired late, owing to the blowhards on the West Coast, especially in Seattle. That contributed to the air-brushed graphics on CBS.

Most viewers found the biggest gusts of hot air came out of the CBS pregame show that was caught in the maelstrom of filling dead air, awaiting kickoff.

Fans learned the hard way that Gillette Stadium is below sea level and, therefore, has low air pressure as a rule.

Tom Brady detractors believe the star quarterback has been putting on airs for over a decade, looking for any opportunity to air it out to his tiny receiving corps. On the other hand, Gronk has been blowing away the competition this season and his spikes have achieved wind gusts comparable to a Category 4 tornado.

Bill Belichick was heard singing, “Let your wind blow free, wherever you may be…” but the final refrain was lost in the wind tunnel as he ran back to the locker room at half time.