Rex Ryan: Upstage Left of Patriots

DATELINE: FARCE

Pizza the Hutt

Only Rex Ryan, old T-Rex, chomping on the New England Patriots like Pizza the Hutt at a press conference could knock the AFC championship game out of headlines.

Tyrannosaurus Rex has foraged his way out of the Big Apple and is now going step by step to Niagara Falls. Like a mad man version of Humpty Dumpty, Rex Ryan plans to go over the Falls in a barrel within three years.

You might expect him to slowly turn, inch-by-inch, like one of the Three Stooges in his initial press conference for the Buffaloed Bills. You’d be mistaken.

The man who wants to devour New England hasn’t let a few staples in his stomach change his appetite.

Rex Ryan’s focus was on his arch-nemesis Bill Belichick.

The Patriots’ head coach is once again in a big game, and Ryan is once again a commentator.

We wish Ryan had taken his talents to the small screen and replaced some of the deadwood that NBC and Fox employs as insider experts. We’d listen to Rex because we enjoy whimsy, bombast, and devil-may-care in one package.

Why do bad NFL teams replace their coaches with coaches of bad NFL teams recently fired? The answer is like asking Patriot has-been Jonas Gray why did the moron throw the clock out the window?

Rex Ryan would give us an answer. He is a man obsessed and haunted. T-Rex invoked the names of Russ Francis and John Hannah at his Buffalo presser. Imagine that! He could not refer to historic Bills players, only great Patriot ghosts.

We love T-Rex.

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