Waterworld Meets 3:10 to Yuma

DATELINE: The Bible Doesn’t Tell You So


Logan Lerman & Russell Crowe Both Play Ham

When we saw that Russell Crowe would play Noah in a Bible epic, we readied ourselves for an old-fashioned movie.

Well, were we wrong again.

This Noah and the story of the Flood may as well be one of those ancient alien tales, set on a distant planet in a parallel universe. Forget the notion of a biblical tale because you are now on the planet known as Dune. This movie isn’t wet enough.

Perhaps we should recognize that much of the Bible reads like science fiction. It is quite another horse of a different color to see the story transformed, like the Cliff Notes opening, into a version only a Trekkie could love. The script is cribbed from the Bible, no less via Robert Heinlein.

Even more hilarious are the bits like Anthony Hopkins playing Russell Crowe’s grandfather, Methuselah. It’s almost funny enough for the price of admission. Another great touch is to have Logan Lerman play Noah’s son. In case you missed the 3:10 to Yuma, young Lerman was the boy who followed Crowe instead of his father Christian Bale.

With touches like this, you can forget you are watching the Bible on steroids.

The animals don’t exactly show up two-by-two, but more en masse in a mess. We have to confess that this movie wins no points for originality. If you were going to jettison the Bible for sci-fi, at least turn the ark into a sperm bank. It would have been so much easier.

Oh, yes, Noah builds the Ark with the help of giant stone creatures that look like refugees from the special effects department of Sony Pictures. Next time we recommend you wait for a rainy day before watching this soggy effort.






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