DATELINE: No Time for Speeches
After David Ortiz used a microphone to drop an F-bomb at Fenway Park on live TV, the FCC has received a trio of complaints about Tom Brady’s lip-readers’ special during a Sunday game two weeks ago.
A handful of New York Jets and Philadelphia Eagles fans were offended by the language and threated to throw snowballs at Santa if he appears at their stadiums. They cursed out Tom Brady in no uncertain terms as a symbol of the fall of civilization.
Tom Brady’s bad language has created a firestorm of polysyllabic potty terms among the most moral members of society.
The NFL has been mulling a zero F-bomb tolerance policy. First offenders will have to stand on the sideline for the next game with a bar of soap wedged between their teeth.
Second offenders will be forced to recite the Gettysburg Address at a military training camp, and third offenders will be banned from church for life.
Sinners can repent, but the NFL Network has to use a bleeper button that makes a kookoo sound. The problem emerged a few years back when the official bleeping bleeper of the NFL was let go due to budget cuts.
After Ortiz gave patriotic comments about America and the terrorist bombers after the Boston Marathon, he was excused from culpability because English is his second language. Actually, local college professors said he spoke no known language.
Tom Brady is different. As a real American who is articulate, he must be punished for expressing free speech on a cable network. Everyone knows that streaming potty mouths on cable cost big bucks to subscribers.
Tom Brady’s agent said he was merely rehearsing his new stand-up comic routine with comic relief teammate Jonas Gray.