New England Patriots: Drugged, Dopey, and Dumber



The New England Patriots are about to dominate sports and news coverage in all areas of the region.

According to some prognosticators, this obsession and compulsion will last well past the new year, and sometime into February.

Like ancient shamans, Patriots fans believe this likelihood is good for crops, drought, and will prevent major blizzards from hitting Boston before the Super Bowl oddsmakers upset the apple cart.

We are still unable to shake off our sports coma and re-enter the Patriots Red Zone. It has something to do with having been devastated by the locust attacks on the Red Sox and Celtics.

Even worse for those trying to make themselves happy about the return of football, we have found local legend Wes Welker has now slipped into the Manny Ramirez/Roger Clemens dimension. If he can find his way out, he will be the next David Ortiz.

The Patriots still wearing Patriot uniforms will be harder to recognize. The automaton named Gronk continues to be programmed to say the same answer to whatever question he is asked. It is frightening. How do you feel, Gronk?

“I am getting better and better every day.”

Do you expect to play this season? “I am working harder and harder, trying to improve every day.”

Are you brain dead? “I am feeling better every day with every workout.”

Perhaps the scariest development is Tom Brady, now suffering pulled calf muscles from too little potassium in his dotage.

And, he now sports a full beard. When Tom wears a full beard, you know the vogue to grow facial hair is already six months out of date. If Tom is doing it, it’s passé.

What does this bode for the Patriots? Check with us after Sunday’s game.

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