How To Get Fired as an NFL Coach

DATELINE: FOLLIES

 ImageThe most secure man in the NFL coaching rank

Unpardonable sins are the death knell of any NFL coach.

You have to go back to Nathaniel Hawthorne’s story “The Minister’s Black Veil,” to have a true sense of the shameful behavior that will rank indeed among the worst sins.

NFL coaches are a  fairly insane lot to begin with—and their inclusion in one of Dante’s Circles of Hades is almost guaranteed.

If you don’t want to cross the River Styx in the NFL, you have to pay that ferryman with a Super Bowl ticket on the 50-yard line.

And, you may also notice that winning past Super Bowls does not have much more immunity than a flu shot in 2003.  In today’s NFL, the issue is more of what have you done for me this season.

So, don’t yell epithets at your diehard fans at the arena after a loss. They pay your salary, bloated and unearned though it may be guaranteed.

Don’t play your quarterback when he is just off a major injury that you caused by playing him like he were one of the elephants at Circus Maximus. Thomas Edison invented the electric chair for coaches like that.

Don’t lose respect in the locker room with your college boy, rah-rah techniques unless you intend to allow half the team to use PEDs and risk suspensions. 

When you treat the phases of the game like ‘see no evii, hear no evil, and speak no evil,’ you are already on the way to being the monkey’s uncle.

Don’t check yourself out of a hospital after a stroke and think you will be welcomed back to the sidelines.

And don’t ever do something that puts your owner on national television in his luxury box during the game looking like the damndest fool in football.

If you want a great job, first start as one of Bill Belichick’s coordinators. Bill O’Brien and Josh McDaniels are tanned and ready for their closeup.

 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s