Cam Newton Plans to Eat Tom Brady’s Giblets

DATELINE: TOMFOOLERY!

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He won’t give a fig.

They won’t be singing “Sweet Caroline,” at Gillette Stadium. It sounds too close to “Sweet Carolina.”

For those who don’t give a fig for Cam Newton, the cookie has finally crumbled. Newton is licking the crème out of the center of the NFL faster than Roger Goodell can find investigators to look into locker room hazing.

Now the Carolina Panthers, the most surprising of teams in a season of upsets and irrational injuries, will be at the throat of Tom Brady and his rejuvenated corps of rookies and nobodies.

Tom will be coming off a week of riches and well-deserved memory foam mattresses known as the “bye week.”  If just desserts are served, Tom ought to feast on Fig Newton and his crepes Suzette Carolina upstarts.

We are compelled to note, however mealy-mouthed it sounds, that Cam Newton is putting more notches on his gun than anyone ever suspected possible. That’s not a derringer in Cam’s pocket, but a bazooka. The Panthers most recently took out San Francisco and its vaunted free-spirit tatt man QB Colin Kaepernick.

Victories like that are better than three “bye-bye” weeks in a row. The Panthers may be ready to pounce on their prey: the Patriots.

Cam probably has photo-shopped his potential winning TD against Brady’s corps de Tom Turkeys already.

The head of Tom Brady on a silver platter may belong to Cam Newton for the asking if he drops one more veil in his NFL championship dance.

‘Tis the season to chomp on Tom Brady’s giblets.

We just hope Stevan Ridley won’t drop the cranberry sauce and that Gronk continues his upward spiral of spiking the stuffing out of the ball. 

For the Pats to stave off Newtonian physics, Brady needs to turn the Red Zone into a pedestrian crossing for a bunch of receivers who can do impersonations of Wes Weckler and Danny Meathead.

Those former Patriots continue to burn weenies on the grille. The aroma of gourmet players must be wafting in the nostrils of owner Robert Kraft who went with the horsemeat filler this season to his everlasting regret.

 

To counter Newton’s buffet, Brady has shrimp on the barbie and Fig Newtons as hors d’oeuvre, and he has poured on his secret recipe for victory one more time.

Bon appetit, Patriot fans.

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