Red Sox Biggest Decision Looms

DATELINE: HUMOR!

Of all the controversies engulfing the Red Sox, none is more pressing than the identity of the guy who will sit in the press box this season before the park microphone.

Yes, the Red Sox front office (the same one that cannot make a decision on whether to play Jackie Bradley, Jr. or whether to sign Mike Napoli to life insurance) is now in the throes of a major paralysis on another issue.

Who will be the Red Sox public address announcer?

Larry Lucchino has orchestrated a parade of voices, tryouts, swimsuit competitions, and sundry criminal background checks. Now the Sox are in a state of gastroparesis.

The Red Sox cannot be too careful what person reads the names of the players coming up to bat at Fenway Park.

This has turned into a circus on the order of 76 trombones in the big parade. It has caused more groaning than heard at the recent St. Patrick’s Day Political Hack Breakfast in South Boston.

Public relations guru Dr. Charles Steinberg, responsible for ‘Fanfare for a Floundering Fan’ decision with music by John Williams at the 100th Fenway anniversary party, is now the eye of the storm over the PA announcer decision.

A bunch of voices was invited to tryout their echoing vibrato at Fenway all last season. They came and went with the alacrity of a budget crisis.

Reports started circulating this week that the job is so big that three men may have to share the onerous task of pronouncing “Saltalamacchia.”

Steinberg recently said that winner of this contest should be “the color of Fenway.”  Insiders immediately knew that Kermit the Frog was the frontrunner.

While the position of “voice of the Red Sox” burns, the Red Sox brass is mostly fiddling and diddling away.

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