NHL Villains: The Iceman Goeth with Fehr and Bettman

 DATELINE: HUMOR!

The NHL (no hockey league) continues to be a non-story and only borders on humor if you think watching glaciers fall into the ocean is funny.

Much debate has centered on the identity of the villain in this story. The two main culprits are Donald Fehr who heads the players’ negotiating team, and his nemesis is Gary Bettmann who is the commissioner of the sport.

We have looked long and hard at these two and cannot tell which one is better suited to being the villain in your favorite action movie.

You might want to cast them as Thor and Loki. Certainly, the certain weasel-like qualities that Bettmann has would fit the ugly duckling brother of Thor, taller and fairer as exemplified by Donald Fehr.

If you like Westerns, these two men would hardly be the main characters, but would be better called out of central casting to play old codgers. In an old Audie Murphy western, Fehr would be cast as the corrupt banker—and Bettmann would be the ferret-faced owner of the general store.

When Sylvester Stallone casts The Expendables 3, he could do worse than hiring Fehr and Bettmann to head the despicable bad guys that Arnold, Bruce, Chuck, and Dolph, must track down.

If Ridley Scott plans to do yet another prequel to Alien and Prometheus, we nominate Fehr and Bettmann to be candidates to have the alien monster erupt from their bloated stomachs.

We are more inclined to see Bettmann and Fehr as characters in Eugene O’Neill’s The Iceman Cometh. Alas, in this sequel, it would be the Iceman Taketh— the entire season of hockey for fans, the audience who gets its teeth kicked out again.

William Russo’s new book is now out, ready for your tablet, your smartphone, and your Kindle. You may like BEST BOSTON SPORTS HUMOR of 2012–or you prefer to read RED SOX 2012: Bobby Valentine’s Season in Hell, a month-by-month examination of the team, showing all the signs of trouble that most sports media missed. His other sports books are SEX, DRUGS, SPORTS & WHIMSY and RAJON RONDO: SUPERSTAR!

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