DATELINE: St. Patrick’s Day Massacre
The New Orleans Pelicans seemed to overcome the Standard Pelicants.
Of course, when you’re facing the Boston Celtics on the road this year, your motto is: “Yes, we pelican.”
Losing’s a shame because the Celtics wore that St. Patrick’s Day uniforms, authorized and enforced upon wary b-ballsmen by NBA corporate sharks.
The new look Celtics wore short-sleeve t-shirts as opposed to the usually airy tank tops that allows unshaven armpits to reach HDTV levels. Some athletes claim their armpits are stifled in the short-sleeve uniform, building up radon gas that prevents them from shooting 3-pointers.
Yet, we love the aesthetics of the new prosthetic prototype jersey. It looks like a Batman body mold in green.
Tapered and looking like the Playtex bra material gone amuck, the new jerseys appealed to us in our perversity. It hid a plethora of ugly tattoos. Indeed, we are now advocating for long-sleeved jerseys to cover up all that repugnant ink.
In some cases we may want the NBA bigwigs to authorize turtlenecks on advanced cases of Biblical quotes, drug symbols and other personal quirks running up napes of necks.
We like the look of newly minted and former Celtic Greg Stiemsma, now a Pelicant. He looked like the blond Bill Russell that Celtic legend Tom Heinsohn claimed several years ago. We didn’t like the guy with the unibrow who scored two score points.
Our own Jelly O’Sully looked resplendent in his new jersey, mainly because Jared Sullinger and Kelly Olynyk have never seen a weight they’ve wanted to lift or a barbell they’ve wanted to press.
We love the second unit that looks like the wave of the future, Jelly O’Sully runs the floor with their little speedster hamster Phil Pressey. Sometimes it’s not hard being green.
Alas, the youthful errors of first and second year players done dood us in for now. Next year with a couple of first-round stars in the making, the team will be far more respectable with proper sleeves on their uniforms.