New Book Features Titanic, Haunted House, Murder Tale: All True!

kindlecoverHAUNTING-1

If you like haunted houses, ghost stories, 19th century poetry, Americana, mineral springs, and have an obsession with RMS Titanic, then Ossurworld recommends a new book for you.

HAUNTING NEAR VIRTUOUS SPRING is a true story about one street in New England that managed to have some of the most fascinating people and moments in American history.

Starting with a mysterious poem about a murdered peddler whose ghost haunts an old house back in 1861, the tale unfolds with more amazing facts and situations. It all culminates with some paranormal investigating.

Soon available in paperback from Amazon.com and as an ebook, you won’t soon forget the amazing tale of American success and tragedy.

Godzilla: Still Big, Only the Pictures Got Small

DATELINE: MOVIE MASHUP

Godzilla Mr. Fatstuff

With his comeback movie, Godzilla may actually have performed his swan song for this generation. He reminds us of Norma Desmond in Sunset Boulevard, coming out of retirement isn’t part of the best-laid plans.

After 64 years and a history of playing more villains than Sydney Greenstreet, the big lizard seems to have missed most of his personal training sessions. He’s out of shape and just going through the motions. He’s been hitting the pastry tray more than eating healthy seaweed and sushi.

Bloated and over-important, he doesn’t appear for quite a while in this two-hour movie (talk about supersize). The plot has more chaos in it than the string theory that seems to explain why Godzilla has returned from the dead more times than Dracula.

This time there are dozens of Raymond Burr wannabes populating the cast. And, this time the government is covering up a big scandal, the 21st century conceit to explain everything from supermarket shelving to nuclear iguanas.

If you were expecting the ‘Thrilla from Godzilla,’ you will be sorely disappointed. Giving his usual one-note performance, the dragon lookalike should be basking on one of the Gallapagos Islands at this point in his life, not stomping off and on cities in a huff. Alas, Godzilla seems to have gone the way of the Beat Generation. He’s on the road show again.

Godzilla isn’t the only familiar face in this movie. Bryan Cranston, Juliette Binoche, and David Straithairn, lend their talents to the film, but we really thought Godzilla should have peppered the cast with cameos from stars, like a Muppet movie—or at least like Sharknado II.

We can only remark that Godzilla makes Mike Tyson look like Larry Olivier.

Mike Napoli Oversleeps During 2014

DATELINE: HUMOR NAPS

Jack & the Sleep Apnea Knife

With the miserable Red Sox season over, the other Sox shoe drops daily. Now we know why Mike Napoli looked like a somnambulist during the past season. He needs more beauty sleep. To be successful at beauty, he needs about the same amount as you can fit into a century.

We decided to pick up one of the Sox slippers of the team’s evening men’s wear and learned it was the wrong size. To our surprise, the other shoe-sock belongs to Mike Napoli.

We have discovered why he was unable to lead the Sox to a repeat of the World Series this 2014 season. He has just had surgery to try to rectify his nightmarish problem.

Yes, Mike Napoli needs more naps. Naps for Napoli will be our clarion call for Mike next year.

It appears that our stalwart first-baseman has problems with Mr. Sandman. No, not some pitcher for the KC Royals, but Napoli suffers from sleep apnea, which is nothing to sneeze at, nor snore at either.

We aren’t sure what surgery corrects sleep apnea. It probably has something to do with a deviated septum. Being cowardly as a nature, we would opt for one of those mouthpieces that fit snugly over the teeth to depress the lower jaw.

Perhaps all those nose hairs are clogging up his air passages. Aren’t those strips you place over the nose cartilage enough to open the snort hole and allow sufficient oxygen into the lungs?

Surgery seems so drastic, but if it means fewer naps and more REM moments in the sack for the first sacker, we support undergoing the knife.

As we recall, Jack Nicholson had a nose condition in Chinatown and underwent the knife. We wish Mike Napoli well and hope he dreams a little dream of comeback.

Scrooge Belichick Meets Ghost of Future Super Bowls

DATELINE: ZOMBIELAND

 Belichick

Something is rotten in the state of Foxboro.

We haven’t quite seen Hamlet’s Ghost, but it is starting to look like the Ghost of Past, Present, and Future Super Bowls may be making a call and throwing a yellow flag.

Patriots experts said there would be a massacre against Rex Ryan’s deplorable Jets on a Thursday night, but the truth was stranger. The Jets almost pulled a victory out of the humble pie like it was a plum.

The Walking Dead aren’t just a cable TV show. They are the army of former Patriots and injured Patriots that have been sent to Zombieland by Bill Belichick.

The latest hobbling zombies are Stevan Ridley and Jerod Mayo. It’s a dill pickle indeed. Throw in Logan Mankins and Wes Welker and you have the cold slawing of the Patriots.

We hasten to point out that the next few weeks will mean a curtain call for the season. The strongest opponents outside of playoff time will be knock-knock-knocking on heaven’s door and Belichick’s defense.

The Patriots have played well against the worst, and they may lose every game against the best.

With the Celtics, Red Sox, and Bruins, now flirting with closing the lid on the toilet, the Patriots seemed to be the only ones on automatic flush. Now we suspect they may not make it to the potty in a knick of time.

After several seasons of gloating about good times, the floodgates of losing are wide open. And, our little Boston boat is about to be swamped. Somewhere Aaron Hernandez is laughing.

 

 

What’s the Source for Source Code?

DATELINE: MOVIE MASHUP

source code

Director Duncan Jones makes familiar movies. His intriguing Moon a few years ago was a rip-off of style and substance from 2001: A Space Odyssey. Now he has re-done Groundhog Day without the laughs.

Source Code is a fascinating little movie from 2011. It once again proves that Jake Gyllenhaal is more than a pretty face.

The premise is not a day, but eight minutes repeated ad nauseam. Of course, the culprit now is a secret government program, misusing soldiers and sending them into a mind control experimentation. There is even a Dr. Strangelove type behind the diabolic plan (Jeffrey Wright).

Science has learned that real death of the brain does not occur for eight minutes—and now they can manipulate and place a mind in another body destined to die in eight minutes.

Enter Afghan war hero Jake Gyllenhaal who seems to have discovered the posthumous honor of re-living life he did not choose, nor has any control over. When did Jake become such an interesting actor?

Repeating the same moments and altering them slightly may not change the eventual outcome, but Gyllenhaal’s character finally becomes fed up with being a government-issue automaton.

There are some effective moments of suspense, and a delightful cast dragged along the same scene until the soldier gets it right. You may also begin to wonder how the mad bomber put his cumbersome and heavy bomb in a certain place without being noticed. However, as Hitchcock always laughed, while the film is on, such matters are overshadowed by the tension of the plot.

We always recommend movies that use the style and philosophy of the old masters with such aplomb.

Identify Thief and Muppets Go Into Our Ash Film Canister

DATELINE: MOVIE MASHUP

Miss PiggyMelissa McCarthy

We tried. Forgive us, but we tried. Our general rule of thumb in doing movie reviews is that we avoid taking an axe to a bad movie. If a film causes us to crave a banana daiquiri after 15 minutes, we shut off the television and chose not to do a review.

Our initial sense of what will give us the heebie jeebies is well honed after many years. We knew there was trouble lurking in movies like Identity Thief and Muppets Most Wanted. We never made it to the end.

Light-hearted frivolity is something we enjoy, but the wit of Noel Coward and Blithe Spirit is not much found nowadays at the cinema. It’s better to go to the archives and call up on demand some chestnut made when granny’s granny was a girl. These were pleasant films on some level, we suppose. Our crotchety demeanor stopped us dead in our video tracking.

Identity Thief stars a charming actress, but her Rubenesque figure has forced her into doing movies that require mugging and slapstick. Melissa McCarthy still manages to be likeable even when playing amoral slugs like the woman who steals Jason Bateman’s unisexual name (“Sandy”) and parades around as Miss Sandy.

This turns Bateman into a stalker, even more unattractive than the thief. One supposes in a politically correct era, we should applaud a movie wherein male and female clobber each other with lack of restraint. No one called this movie sexist, glorifying physical abuse. We just felt we wanted better.

And, as for our beloved Muppets, with their satiric take on movies, we may have exceeded the expiration date. Have we grown too old to appreciate their semi-self-deprecating humor? There were just too many uninspiring songs, though the lyrics were cute. Muppets Most Wanted will be left on our neighbor’s doorstep. We didn’t want them.

So, we don’t have a movie worth reviewing this week. We promise to do better next time—but only if the producers give us something to appreciate.

Monsieur Nappy

DATELINE: MOVIE MASHUP

M. Nappy

Here’s another gem that slipped through the cracks about ten years ago. Monsieur N is the story of Napoleon’s final incarceration at St. Helena and his mysterious death.

This film gives itself a disadvantage by actually having Napoleon speaking in French—and his British guards speaking in English. So, there are lots of subtitles for the disadvantage of people who hate to read.

Richard E. Grant is marvelous as the new governor of the island who is furious about having a living legend as his prisoner—a man who thinks about escaping and turning the world on its ear. It’s like Wile E. Coyote dealing with that pesky Road Runner.

Jay Rodan is cute as a button, even when he pastes on a mustache and tries to pass as Basil Heathcote, young officer assigned to Napoleon, as a man 20 years older in flash forward scenes.

The film belongs darkly to French actor Phillippe Torreton who plays the emperor turned general prisoner into some kind of a scheming evil genius. His Napoleon belongs up there simply because playing Monsieur N. is joy for any actor.

Condescending, venal, temperamental, Napoleon Buonaparte is delicious movie script catnip. How can you go wrong with a murder mystery wrapped in an enigma?

It all may be true, which is even juicier. It’s Nappy time, but you won’t take a nap while the movie is playing on your screen. The issue of who poisoned Napoleon requires Hercule Poirot to join the screenplay. Instead we have lame Jay Rodan, but he is easy on the eyes as the callow officer on the governor’s tricky staff.

The film is now on DVD, and you have no excuse to avoid a history lesson with panache.

Step by Step, Inch by Inch, Tom Brady Slowly Turns an Ankle

DATELINE: HUMOR

Belichick

Tom Brady has been on injury report. Again.

Like he has for every game of his career under Bill Belichick, he was “seriously” on the list, turning up like a proverbial bad penny. He has been questionable for playing  weakly weekly. Last year every week he was listed as having a shoulder problem. The year before he was listed as having a thumb problem.

Unlike Dustin Pedroia whose injuries are generally real, Tom Brady’s injuries belong in the realm of Wonderland, Through the Looking Glass. The White Rabbit of Injury Reports has initials that read BB.

BradyPullsRabbit

Tom rolled his ankle this week, and you will see him hobbling once per week and on the list this season.

His injury caused him to throw four touchdowns on Sunday. A lesser man might have thrown five.

So, when Tom is not on injury report, we worry. During the reported skein with the way the team is coached, Brady looked more injured than ever. He had hurt feelings, caused by a loss of friends cut by Belichick.

Brady still may be looking for the only cure for such an injury: a trade. And, experts from out of town have ridden in on their old gray mares to say Tom is going round the bend.

Yes, we can understand a player demanding to be traded for being put on the injury report. Just ask Brandon Spikes. He was injured so badly that he had to shuffle off to Buffalo. It didn’t help. He still looked like one of the walking wounded. Alas, like most of the Belichick injuries, it’s 5% mental and 95% temper.

If the Patriots are beginning to look like a classic episode of the Three Stooges, they slowly turned at Niagara Falls into their usual juggernaut.

Laser-gate, or Beam Us Up

DATELINE: HUMOR

MUSHROOM OPTION

We fully expect some dim bulb will accuse Bill Belichick of cheating this season in his previous Super Bowl victories.

Yet, the falling morality score among sociopathic fans now has reached the level of cheating in the stands. Someone last week in Detroit resorted to laser beams as a method of impacting the score—and it wasn’t videotaped or the result of a team bounty.

No, the fans are now sinking to the level of coaches. Detroit’s diehard best started pointing laser beams at the eyes of Buffalo Bills players, temporarily blinding them and interfering with fair play.

We are not surprised that the NFL that has encouraged rape, child abuse, and domestic battery with a light tap on the knuckles, would now have set the standard that anything goes in the moonbeam syndrome.

Fans are among the dim-wits to jump on the bandwagon.

If you think it’s only a game, you haven’t seen the rabid betting that goes on with the so-called spread. You haven’t seen the blood money that is the backbone of fantasy football. It’s not only a game. It is life or death to a generation of bettors who make a living by supporting their gambling habit with the NFL. Pick a score and live like a king with your collection of bucks.

The NFL response is slow and steady, like a tortoise league speed racer. The culprits, if caught, will have twenty lashes by Adrian Peterson’s favorite noodle. And, they may be banned from attending NFL events, sort of like being put on the Exempt List with Adrian and his cohorts.

Oh, Events! Is that what these games are called? Events are happenings where you can call attention to the game  with a red laser beam.affluenza sufferer

Beam us up now rivals bottoms up with NFL events.

New England Patriots Not Falling like Ancient Rome

DATELINE: HUMOR


BradyPullsRabbit

 

Tom Brady Thanks the Easter Bunny

After being crucified on pregame shows, Tom Brady resurrected.

The rabble had come to bury the Patriots and the evil left undone by Bill Belichick. To the utter dismay of undefeated Bengals everywhere, the worm turned.

Yes, the deader than a doornail Patriots stood up in the coffin and demanded blood from their shocked fans.

With predictions to be cremated by the Boston sports media and radio blabmasters, the Patriots made the media look like a 1929 Stock Market Crash dummy. Tonight the Pats resembled Bigfoot with his tootsie on the accelerator pedal.

Instead of calling Ghost Hunters to Foxboro to find the lost Patriot spirit, Tom’s team might be the team to play in Tombstone—the Town too Tough to Die, but they did not need a tombstone or epitaph on this night.

Fans had been looking for their best black duds and a map to the funeral pyre. After all, Tom Brady wanted to take is act elsewhere, hating to play for the dreaded emasculator, Bill Belichick.

Yes, you guessed it. The Patriots uncovered the spread and then some. Prognosticators put their Tarot cards up for sale on eBay.

It was like Mr. Peabody brought the Wayback Machine to Foxboro and out stepped the youthful Tom Brady.

The road to the Super Bowl looked like a shortcut through Foxboro—at least on this night.

You can shut out the New York Jets this week, but you can no longer think the Patriots are their twin. Rex Ryan will not have a QB with more panache than Brady this year.

The Jimmy Replacement Fan Club skulked back to the place known as oblivion. There’s be no quarterback controversy this season.

Once again Bill Belichick looked like Stephen Hawking, and the Big Bang Theory meant fans jumped back on the bandwagon faster than you can say ‘Last Hurrah’.