Secret Identity of Tom Brady Snitch Revealed

DATELINE: Mole in the NFL

Featured image  Bug in Roger Goodell’s Office

For months we have been hearing leaked reports in the media.

The pssst you hear to catch your attention comes from ESPN usually. An intrepid reporter is holding a football to his ear.

We have worked assiduously to learn the identity of this top secret covert agent. If you have followed news stories, you know that each week Unnamed Sources has revealed that Tom’s Deflation will be solved in a day, a week, or soon.

And time after time, Unnamed Sources has been, how can we put this delicately, totally wrong.

Mr. U. Sources has been everywhere, sometimes working under the alias of Sources Not Authorized To Speak. Mr. S.N.A.T.S. seems to work either in the law offices of Ted Wells, Jeffrey Kessler, or has a bug planted under Roger Goodell’s desk.

Fat lot of good that does! We suspect Goodell has not been sitting at his desk since St. Swithin’s Day.

Mr. U.N. Sources may be an international operative, in conjunction with Donald Trump’s Mexican connection.

Sources Close to Tom Brady may have a voice that sounds like Caitlyn Jenner. We suspect there is a Major Drag on Tom involved in the timetable that has delayed a Deflategate ruling.

We know that a bug planted in Roger Goodell’s cell phone is only slightly worse than a bug in Lindsay Graham’s phone. Taking a sledgehammer to the phone may be the only solution to end the speculation.

According to Unnamed Sources, nobody wants to go to court, but nobody wants to give an inch. We want to know who Nobody is.

Not since the blinding the Cyclops has Nobody been so busy, but as unseen.

We await Nixon’s Deep Throat to come out of retirement to fill us in.

New NFL Rules; Out with Brady’s Crime

 DATELINE: DEFLATEGATE DEADER Than DOORNAIL!

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The NFL just handed Tom Brady his “get out of jail free” card.

Over the weekend, Roger Goodell’s cowardly rules writers came up with a series of protocols about how to handle footballs before the game and after the game.

These rules did not exist before this. Now referees must keep measurements and tally the results. On randomly selected games, more intensive measures will be taken.

Well, you cannot be guilty of a retroactive law. No court in the United States of America will uphold rounding up the usual suspects and charging them with a law that was not a crime last year.

We would love to hear Brady’s lawyers claiming the NFL is making up new laws and charging old crimes.

What Goodell seems to be doing is setting up a situation where he will admit the deficiencies of the rules. He will vacate the punishment given to Brady and claim that he will now have a warning not to do anything resembling deflation of balls.

However, Brady has a stronger case now to go to federal courts and say he was discriminated against by the NFL. They charged him with a crime that was not a crime until this weekend.

We suspect that before much time passes, Tom Brady will find himself with a back door pardon. He may even agree to a fine that he bent an equipment rule. He cannot be charged with deflating footballs now because that rule did not exist before today.

Chalk up a victory for the Players Union. Let us be the first to declare Deflate-gate deader than a doornail.

Waiting for the Letters of Transit

 DATELINE: HUMOR

Featured image Roger Goodell’s Song and Dance!

The latest news out of Roger Goodell’s office indicates we are dealing with one of the most obtuse people in human history.

Word leaking out from the Commissioner’s office is that they believe the best strategy is the old Nixonian style. They will let Tom Brady twist slowly in the wind.

We are back in Casablance before WW2 where refugees wait, wait, wait, for their letters of transit out of town. Tom Brady wants his get out of jail free card from Goodell’s minions.

Yes, when you lynch someone and destroy their reputation, it is standard practice to drag your feet on any opportunity to end the cruel waiting game.

The Goodell contingent figure they know Tom Brady to be an impatient player who will chomp at the bit to begin practicing and return to the field. So, their method is mad. They will let him stew until he becomes so agitated that he will agree to any looney punishment that Goodell’s halfwit advisors can create.

Have they no decency? Have they no understanding of Tom Brady? He wants his reputation returned in tact. He will not capitulate to their refusal to respond.

The other shoe won’t drop, ergo, Tom cannot file a court appeal to their decision. Yes, if there is no decision, you simply float along the great river of indecision.

In the meantime, drunken arrests of NFL players are now winning three game suspensions. Legitimate felonious crime receives less penalty suspensions than a man who MAY have asked for his footballs to be on the soft side.

We think the only soft thing nowadays is the spongy material between Roger Goodell’s ears. That soft organ has been deflating since he took over the Captain Renault in Casablanca.

The Half-Million Spent to Send Hernandez to Jail

DATELINE: Price of Justice

 

What can you buy with a half-million dollars? And, I mean tax dollars.

Well, in Massachusetts, you can spend that money on convicting Aaron Hernandez of murder one.Featured image

Some might say that it isn’t worth it. The cost was about $462,000.

We believe it is the price of vindicating an innocent life taken by cruel insensitivity. This was not some theater rampage, nor some religious inspired fanatic. This was a millionaire, privileged football star, belonging to a league that has no sense of value.

So, the cost of putting him in jail for the rest of his life is worth every penny. We would say that Odin Lloyd, a stranger to us, known only by his pleasant looking photos, seems a rather benign person to have suffered such a cruel fate.

Many others have been murdered, legally by police, with equal innocence in all likelihood, but the idea of someone not defending the law (or abusing his authority) has stepped up and felt he had the right to execute someone he did not like offends us.

Yes, we will spend that amount again to bring Hernandez to justice for two more murders.

His own high priced Ninja brigade still will not tell us what he paid them for defense.

Costs for the prosecution included witnesses, expert tests, and security for jurors, over the course of investigation, grand jury, and trial.

The price of justice is priceless. Let’s not forget that victims like Lloyd lived and died his last few minutes in abject terror and utter hopelessness at the hand of such sadism.

We feel the price is right.

Tom Brady’s Deal Sent to Limbo

DATELINE: HUMOR

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Tom on the Blacklist?

Unauthorized reports circulated suddenly that the NFLPA offered Roger Goodell a deal to end the Deflategate impasse. You might think this is the first sign that pressures are mounting—and someone’s willpower is shaking.

You would be wrong.

Sent to the Commissioner last week, the Brady sanctioned deal was met with stony silence.

In some instances, you may know that silence is golden. In other ways, silence is death. In the case of the NFL silence is likely the result of not knowing what to do.

Brady’s unaccepted offer apparently suggested that he would pay a hefty fine, but be given no suspension. Buying your way out is a tried and true American strategy, likely the idea of his supermodel, super-rich wife, Giselle Bundchen.

If silence was the response, the NFL was not buying.

And, that, Brady fans, means simply that they want to hang the superstar quarterback. Goodell is paralyzed because several powerful owners want to see their nemesis Brady punished for crimes both committed and uncommitted.

The notion that Brady will have his day in court now appears obvious. And, the NFL will shiver their timbers and swallow hard, egos deflated.

Owners never think that the courts will make them look ridiculous because they are a breed of men who do what they want—legal or not.

So, we are left up in the air, yet again, as training camp is on the horizon—and the great star of his age will be living in limbo, but not yet told to go to hell.

In Contempt of Roger Goodell

DATELINE: HUMOR

Featured imageFor Tom from Roger

In case you missed it, a federal judge has held Roger Goodell in contempt for not resolving the Adrian Peterson case. Yup, the Commissioner has been dragging his feet—and the judge has ordered binding arbitration. If that is not achieved, he will hold Goodell in contempt of court.

We hate to say it, but Goodell has contempt for everything and everyone related to football. Why is this man the commissioner?

In a related development, Roger the Dodger reported today that he has no timetable to give a ruling in the Tom Brady/Deflategate appeal. This is two weeks after he said the ruling was coming in a week or so.

Do you have the feeling Goodell is a tad nervous to render his opinion? He now claims he is considering every aspect of Brady’s appeal. “We want to make sure…” he intones. He wants to be sure he won’t be character assassinated. (It’s too late, Roger.)

The contempt is dripping out the corners of his mouth and now can be seen sputtering out of his ears. The man is a walking contempt of athlete’s lifestyle.

All this certainly returns us to our conspiracy theories that someone is trying to do in Tom Brady, if not the entire Patriots organization.

Do other owners have so much contempt for the winners of a Super Bowl?

Is the contempt coming from the media? They love a controversy

This leaves us with the prime suspect once again in the Commissioner’s office. Who do we know with contempt for Tom Brady? Hmmm, that’s a tough one. If you give us a few more weeks we think we might have a candidate, more or less, in a general sense of the word.

Inflated Price for Deflated Ball

DATELINE: Friends Full of Hot Air

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Brady with Edelman lookalike

The most expensive football in history has been sold for almost $44,000. Yes, it has Tom Brady’s fingerprints all over it.

That auction that promised to make $100.000 for the notorious ball used in the championship playoff game has gone for an inflated price. Unfortunately, someone let some of the air out of the price. Yet, it is still in record territory.

The ball can be traced to the seller who picked up the pigskin from LaGarrette Blount in her first row seat.

Of course, with the prices of all things Brady now reaching the stratosphere, you know there is less air available for breathing.

Other footballs have sold for half the price that Deflategate’s symbol went for. There is, by the way, no evidence that Ted Wells subpoenaed and/or tested this particular ball for his non-scientific report.

This leads us to the second part of today’s update. The cone of silence around Tom Brady has cracked a bit—sort of like the Liberty Bell under stress.

Close Best Buddy Julian Edelman is always there to spill the beans, and he came out to give a quick overview of Tom’s state of mind. And, in Julian’s words, Tom is “a bit ticked off.” This apparently is not something good for those with whom he shall play against if those suspended games are vacated.

If the suspension is lifted, could this mean Tom will turn into a pussycat? His anger may subside if he is exonerated.

This gives us a new reason to call for keeping Brady in the red anger state. Telling him how much his deflated ball went for at auction may only serve to make him laugh.

Gronk Tells ‘Baby’ Commissh to Grow UP!

DATELINE: Slow Burn Humor

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Gronk has had enough. In his dullest interviews, the Patriot big tight somewhat end claims merely, and always, that he is working hard to get better.

The always puerile Gronk is now telling the Commissioner to grow up.

Today he announced he is fed up with Roger Goodell, or “Baby” as he called the Commissioner.

It’s time to “wipe out” that suspension and take everyone off the hook of a bad decision gone wrong virally.

Gronk also expressed a bit of personal worry. He wondered how he will play if Tom isn’t there. Well, Gronk, that is a good point.

How will anyone on the team play if Tom isn’t throwing that underinflated ball?

Gronk is about to be seen on an all-star version of Family Feud in which he refused to be baited about naming something that has inflation problems. “Let’s put his in the past,” he tells CBS.

When Gronk is so irritated that he starts to mouth off, you know that Deflategate has overstayed its welcome.

Yes, Gronk now tells the world that Roger Goodell and his policy is “annoying.” If Gronk is annoyed with you, Mr. Commissioner, you have waited too long for a decision. Now players are starting to show utter disrespect.

The Gronkmeister may be on to something with his new attitude. It’s time to end the charade and cut losses. The biggest loser once again is Goodell who has allowed a molehill to become Mt. Everest.

Crying Time for Amazon Prime and Phil Pressey

DATELINE: PRIME HUMOR

Featured image15% Off?  Way Off

What possibly could be worse than Amazon’s Prime Day?

Well, the Boston Celtics waived Phil Pressey.

We cried when we saw the junk for alleged sale on Amazon. It was stuff we wouldn’t buy if it were half off. And, 15% off is not half.

Kelly Olynyk cried when he saw Phil is leaving Boston. Just a few short days ago, Kelly traveled out to Utah for the summer league to give his best buddy some support. And Phil volunteered to play in the summer games just to show Coach Brad Stevens how much he likes being a Celtic.

We wonder if Kelly has packed his bag. Perhaps they will go around the league as a tandem package: Mutt and Jeff, Tom and Jerry, and now Kelly and Phil.

We haven’t been this busted up about the Celtics since they sent our humor meal ticket, Rajon Rondo, packing.

Our Celtic humor has been green around the gills ever since. And, now the Amazon Prime Celtic sale has shipped Pressey out of town, and he was only 10% off.

When your best material is off with Jacoby Ellsbury to new venues, you are hurting.

When you have to wait nearly six months for the next series of hilarious Aaron Hernandez hijinks, you know Boston humor is in for a dull time.

We still have Tom Brady to kick around—until his suspension goes the way of Phil Pressey. Next time Prime has a sale, we hope Roger Goodell’s commissioner chair is 15% off.

See You in Court, Mr. Commissioner!

 DATELINE: HUMOR on the PIGSKIN

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With Roger Goodell promising a verdict this week, the NFLPA is firing a shot over the Commissioner’s bow when it comes to Tom Brady.

They have let it be known that, unless the four game suspension is totally vacated, there will be a federal court date for the Commissioner.

And, just about everyone who has seen an episode of Perry Mason or Law and Order knows what that means. Goodell is hanging by a thread. He will be on the hot seat, if not the witness stand. It’s no place for the witless.

If intimidation is a factor, the NFLPA has made its point. Tom Brady made his over the weekend, releasing a photo of himself lying on a golf course, before the Grand Teton Mountains. His small daughter was at his side. A large smile was on his face.

Goodell spent his time at the Billionaire Boys Club in Sun Valley, hobnobbing with friends he hopes will give him a job when he is fired as NFL commissioner.

A rabid mob still insists that Tom is equally guilty of crime as Greg Hardy because he would not give up his cell phone for study by the Commissioner. Yes, a fishing expedition into one’s privacy is the first thing football fans are prepared to surrender.

Until someone wants to look at their phone.

Carrying off team loyalty in a losing city becomes onerous after the Patriots beat the tar out of your main street. Hence, so many sore losers are typing out venom on comment sections of various articles on Tom.

We never allow comments on this blog. We have the final word.

Tom Brady, Does Your Punishment Befit the Crime?

 DATELINE: NFL FARCE Featured image Commissioner Wears No Clothes

Tom Brady is a happily married man. Domestic bliss seeps out of every pore. When his millionairess wife, and supermodel Giselle Bundchen is with him, the world looks rosy.

Yet, he has now received an NFL suspension equal to that of a wife-beater. What’s worse: his punishment is now the exact same amount (four games) as Greg Hardy, a convicted felon who dragged his partner by the hair, tossed her onto a batch of his loaded guns, and otherwise was the epitome of domestic abuser.

Yes, Tom, you are on a par with a lowlife like Greg Hardy. The NFL sees no difference. You withheld testimony and deserve your punishment, but hold on! Greg Hardy refused to cooperate with the NFL’s kangaroo court investigation! And his suspension has been reduced! Either Tom needs to start battering his spouse, or he should be walking a free man later this week.

The longer his punishment stands, the more obvious the NFL has no sympathy for battered wives. You cannot claim a man who beats his girlfriend, spouse, or domestic partner, is comparable to a man who pulls the plug on an inflated swim toy. But, that’s the world of professional football.

Your IQ to work in the Commissioner’s office must be lower than the psi of a pigskin wife beater. You must be someone who failed high school physics, and you must be someone who thinks the weather never has an impact on games. You must also hire referees who keep no records on their pregame work checking footballs.

Then you pander to the unwashed masses that like to lynch innocent men. If you wave the Confederate flag, your next NFL star may be a man waving a loaded weapon. Wait! You mean that’s already happened. Don’t tell us: we know the punishment is a four game suspension.

If South Carolina Can Take Down a Flag…

DATELINE: Deflate-gate, the Cartoon

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Goodell & Kraft Pitch New Deflategate Cartoon to Disney CEO 

The South removed its Confederate flag this week. We expect that the NFL can drop an overblown and under-inflated penalty against Tom Brady. The answer is no longer blowing in the wind. The Confederate flag has been shipped to a museum.

Of course, New England is not South Carolina. And Roger Goodell is not exactly a rocket scientist.

When faced with a genuine horrible person, namely one Greg Hardy, the NFL initially suspended him ten games. He has guns, been convicted of assault and battery on a girlfriend, and now he has bamboozled Roger Goodell.

Instead of ten games, the suspension was dropped to four games.

Ah, that number again. Roger has played that number at roulette more often than any other. Every suspension nowadays is four games, no matter what the infraction.

Take the dastardly Tom Brady who let one pound of air out of a football. He has been portrayed in the media as the new Shylock, and there is only Jeffrey Kessler pleading for the quality of mercy.

Roger Goodell is the Shylock in this play. When you let Greg Hardy, a thug and arrogant twit, walk and likely commit another assault down the road, you have an imbecile wearing a blindfold while he metes out justice.

Yeah, blindness is a plus in football.

Do we expect a 60% drop in Tom’s suspension when Goodell manages to read the tea leaves? That would put Tom down to one and a half games.

We hear the court docket moving with all deliberate speed toward the Supreme Court of the land and wheels of justice turning as they run over Roger Goodell.

Money Doesn’t Talk to Roger Goodell

DATELINE: Billionaire Acres

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Roger Goodell was cornered by an inept reporter at the notorious Sun Valley, Idaho, Billionaire’s Club meeting this week. He must be an honorary member, or went as Bob Kraft’s date.

Oh, crafty old Bob Krafty never misses these social events. It’s an opportunity to rub shoulders and pick pockets of other bubble-headed billionaires.

You have more than sports moguls traipsing around the snowless grounds of a great ski town in mid-summer. You have Facebook, Amazon, and other major corporation movers and shakers. Apparently there are few places billionaires can go to take the pulse of their fellow control freaks.

Have they come together to discuss Tom Brady and Delfategate?

Well, an enterprising reporter there seemed oblivious to other major cultural and political decisions that may be coming out of such a meeting. We may be witnessing how money talks.

However, sports takes precedence over all else. The reporter asked her question of Roger Goodell about the Patriots owner, but had to receive a stagewhisper prompt from one of the other losers among the winners. She couldn’t recall Kraft’s name.

Instead, she asked Goodell when he was making a decision on Deflategate and if he discussed it with his good buddy, Bob Kraft, during their perambulations.

Goodell was non-plussed, as befits a millionaire among billions.

He tried to be affable, but stopped to throw out a few bon mots to the hoi polloi. He noted that he had not discussed the major scandal of trivial proportions with the owner of the Patriots. He also said, to the mouth-watering semi-journalists who cover such events, that he could have a decision next week.

How the trivial has become the dominant issue! Do we think Goodell is hearing that he has made a molehill a mountain big enough for Sun Valley?

NEW BOOK ON AARON HERNANDEZ

DATELINE: JUMPING THE GLOCK

Looking for your fix on Aaron Hernandez while you wait for his next trial to start?

We have a new book for you that details, in true satiric Ossurworld style, the shenanigans of Hernandez and his Ninja lawyers during the previous trial. Now available at Amazon.com.

Now read the second volume in the on-going series on the former New England Patriot. (A third volume will be turned up in the next year).

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